#i also kind of used this fic to vent about Various Things In Fandom but let's pretend i didn't just admit that | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

set-phasers-to-whump · 2 years ago

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numb

prompt: numb

whumpee: illya kuryakin

fandom: the man from uncle

hi hi! here's another fic :) i hope you like it! (notes: time wise they have been partners for a while and this can be read as romantic or platonic or pre romantic illya/gaby/napoleon)

He wakes up to an extremely bright light shining into his eyes. For a fraction of a second he simply stares into it and thinks of nothing, does nothing.

And then his instincts kick in and he shoots upright, reaching for a gun that isn’t there.

Wait.

He is reaching for his gun, no?

He looks down, sees his hand at his hip. His arm had moved. He just hadn’t felt it.

He concentrates very hard on making his arm move again and then pokes himself in the leg. He can’t feel it. He slowly pokes various other locations - chest, arm, stomach.

Everything below his neck is completely numb.

He doesn’t panic. He can’t panic. He has been trained for this. He has been trained for everything.

He needs to focus. He may not be able to feel his body, but it is still capable of moving. He has to move. Wherever he is, he’s in danger. And this means that his partners may be in danger, too.

He must fight. He must get out of this room. He must get to them.

First things first, he observes his surroundings. The light is no longer blinding, but it is still intense. He’s sitting on a metal table, which he thinks is probably quite uncomfortable, not that he’d know it. There are a few imposing metal cabinets along the walls, and no windows. The door is also made of metal and this has a small window. Even from halfway across the room, Illya can tell that the glass has been reinforced.

He should check the cabinets. Maybe they will contain something he can use as a weapon, or perhaps he will find whatever drug he’s been given (he must have been drugged), so he’ll at least know what it is he’s dealing with.

He stares at his legs for a long moment, trying to make himself feel them. It doesn’t work, but he is at least very aware of them. He watches carefully as they move, sliding painfully slowly across the metal table, until he��s poised to stand up.

He takes a breath, continues staring at his legs, and stands.

For a second he is certain that he is going to fall. Were it not for the fact that he is actively looking at his feet touching the floor, he’d never know he was standing. It feels like there is nothing at all beneath him.

He wills himself to take a step. His legs don’t want to cooperate. His feet shuffle along the floor. His head has begun to pound. He can see his knees buckling, even though he can’t feel them.

He’s on the floor before he even realizes he’s falling.

At least he doesn’t feel the impact.

As a rule, Napoleon excels in high-pressure circumstances. It’s kind of in his job description.

So when things had gone mildly wrong about fifteen minutes ago, he hadn’t panicked. Okay, so he’d accidentally tripped an alarm that no one had been aware of. No problem. They’d sorted that out with minimal gunfire, and everything had been smooth sailing again. He’d gotten his hands on the stolen computer disk that had been threatening to very rapidly heat up the cold war. Gaby had shimmied through a vent and obtained the accompanying paper files. Illya had - somewhat grumpily, though of course Illya himself would deny that fact to his dying day - kept watch, gun in hand and scowl trained on the door.

And then everything had gone to shit.

The door had fairly blown open, gunfire immediately breaking out. Napoleon and Gaby had grabbed their own guns, dropping the computer disk and files to the ground.

There had been a clinking noise and then a small explosion and Napoleon and Gaby had both instinctively hit the ground, each trying to shield the other in a move that probably would have been comedic were it not for the imminent threat of death.

The room had filled with smoke so thick that within seconds Napoleon had been unable to see his own hands. He’d shouted, “plan B!” to Gaby and had then proceeded to feel around for the computer disk, which he’d promptly smashed to pieces. All the while, gunfire had continued to sound, but nothing had hit him.

And just like that, it had ended, and the smoke had cleared.

Gaby had been beside him, a scrape on her cheek and a lighter in her hand and the smoldering ashes of the precious files at her feet.

And Illya had been gone.

And now, Napoleon is kind of freaking out.

It’s been almost twenty minutes. They’ve been searching the compound for that entire time and have yet to find their partner. There had been blood all over the file room but that hadn’t meant anything. There had been bodies, too. None of them Illya’s. They’re rapidly running out of places to look. They’re rapidly running out of time.

“What if -” Gaby begins in a whisper. She cuts herself off before she finishes the sentence. They both know how the question ends, anyway.

Neither one of them is willing to stop looking.

They’re nearly to the end of a long hallway lined with doors. Most of them had led to small, unoccupied offices. The building feels eerily empty. Something that is not quite panic but is definitely in the neighborhood bubbles underneath Napoleon’s skin.

He opens yet another door. It’s heavier than the others, and has a small window.

Even so, he isn’t really expecting anything out of the ordinary on the other side. Not after every single other door has held nothing but disappointment.

But just like that, there is Illya, flat on his face on the ground. His hat has been knocked off his head and his gun is nowhere to be seen and he isn’t moving.

Both Napoleon and Gaby surge forward at the same time, dropping to their knees on either side of their fallen partner.

Before either of them can check his pulse, Illya confirms his continued existence by making a soft noise. He turns his head to the side very slowly and makes rather bleary eye contact with Napoleon.

“Hello,” he mumbles.

“Hello yourself. Are you quite alright?”

He’s not really expecting the answer to be yes, but knowing Illya, he’s not expecting it to be no either.

“I can’t feel anything,” is Illya’s response. “Tried to walk. End up…here.”

“Were you drugged?” Gaby asks.

“I think so. Don’t remember.”

Gaby and Napoleon share a look over Illya’s prone body.

“You can’t move at all?” Napoleon questions.

“Hard. Not impossible. Everything is…numb.”

“Okay,” says Napoleon. “Okay.” They can work with that. He’s guessing Illya hasn't been permanently paralyzed or anything of that nature, based on his description. But he doubts that Illya knows what he was drugged with or how long its effects might last. And they need to get out of here sooner rather than later.

“Gaby, I think there’s a door outside at the end of this hallway. Can you take a look?”

Gaby stands up, walks to the door, peeks out the window. “Yes. I don’t see anyone nearby. Still, we should hurry.”

Napoleon couldn’t agree more. “Can you get the car and bring it closer to the building?” he asks. He’d like to carry Illya’s weight for the least possible amount of time.

“I’ll be quick,” Gaby confirms, and then she’s off, gun in hand, feet light and quick against the floor.

Napoleon stands up as she leaves. He puts his hands on his hips and stares down at Illya. “We can do this,” he half-whispers, mostly to convince himself.

“Illya, I know this is going to be hard, but I’m going to pull you to your feet. I need you to try and stand, as much as you’re able to.”

“Okay.”

He takes a deep breath, then grabs Illya beneath the arms and tugs. Illya sort of moves, and Napoleon imagines he’s trying very hard, but really he’s not doing much of anything. At least he can feel like he’s being useful, Napoleon supposes.

At long last, they manage to get Illya to his feet. Napoleon grabs one of his arms and slings it around his own shoulders, grabs Illya around the waist, and tells him to just do his best to stay on his feet and move forwards.

Then, before he can do too much thinking about how difficult this might be, he sets off.

They reach the door in under a minute. Then they’re in the hallway, completely exposed. Illya doesn’t have his gun (though he does have his hat, a last-minute grab by Napoleon because he couldn’t just leave it there). Napoleon’s hands are otherwise occupied. He moves as fast as possible and twice they nearly collapse.

But they don’t fall. He opens the door and sees their car approaching, looking not at all inconspicuous. Not that it seems to matter. They may as well be the only people here. He hasn’t seen another soul, and he’d like to keep it that way.

Napoleon tugs Illya along a few more feet in the time it takes for Gaby to reach them. She flies out of the car and opens the door to the backseat, then helps Napoleon maneuver Illya inside. She shuts the door almost gently, climbs into the driver’s seat as Napoleon sinks into the passenger’s, and they’re on their way the hell out of there.

Illya wakes to soft light on his face and a tingling feeling in his limbs.

He has no idea where he is. He has vague, fuzzy-edged memories of gunfire, of smoke, of falling, of feeling nothing, of touches that he can’t feel but simply knows are there. He doesn’t remember with any certainty what exactly had happened to him.

He does not like this, this not knowing. And so he focuses on what he does know, instead.

He is lying on what can only be a bed. He can feel blankets against his skin. They are almost overwhelmingly soft. He stares upwards at surroundings that are not fully in focus. They are nondescript. Hotel, he thinks immediately. Why is he in a hotel?

No, he reminds himself. Only focus on what you know.

What does he know? He is warm. He feels like he is sinking into this bed. He feels safe, deep down, despite everything. His body simply knows this.

He is not alone. This is why he feels safe, he realizes. He can feel people on either side of him.

There are only two people in the world whose presence would cause him to feel immediately safe. He turns his head side to side for the first time and sees them. Napoleon is on his left and Gaby is on his right. Neither of them is quite touching him, but they’re close by. And deeply asleep.

For the moment, Illya lets go of all the things he does not know. His partners are with him and he is alive and safe and warm and perhaps he is more than a little sore but he is okay. This is the most important thing that he knows.

He closes his eyes, burrows deeper beneath the blankets, and falls back asleep.

thanks for reading!!! i feel like this was perhaps not my best work (especially insofar as the description of the mission goes) but i enjoyed writing it and i hope you enjoyed reading it!

#whumpmasinjuly #numb #my writing #i say things #the man from uncle #illya kuryakin #drugged #support #oughh i am sleepy gn!#hope you have a good night also (or whatever time of day it is)

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miscellaneous--bones · 3 years ago

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scar map for ray! and also freckles, technically. shes gotten MOST of them from different fanfics i've put her in (she plays y/n sometimes, especially in shit like creepypasta or undertale, etc) im gonna put some close ups under the cut as well as explanations from where they came from kinda :) (tw for semi-detailed talks of various injuries and maybe body horror and/or gore? also self harm a lil bit)

lets start from the back! a couple of these i'll talk about in the front, but lets see what i can get to here :)

the big sun one is technically a tattoo, Lue has one too! it was just for fun :)

uhhh the one right down the middle is from a time someone dragged a knife down her back? i dont remember if this happened in a fic, but it happened regardless from one of her crazy adventures.

the ones on her shoulder blades(?) are from the multiple fics where the reader has wings and has them cut or ripped off- and if not that its from when she's shapeshifted wings for herself? i posted a lil comic about that once you should be able to check her tag or something. but yeah! somethin' like that.

the big one on her lower back is from an onward fic where she fell through the floor and got like. stabbed by a giant plank of wood, and i distinctly remember this one because it was one of the first times i'd used the idea that she can ''recharge'' or heal in sunlight :)

the little scratches- any little scratches honestly- are either from various fights shes been in, animals that have attacked her, or maybe even just herself, honestly lmao, shes usually careful but her claws are sharp haha

rspeaking of, the one on hr

uhhh the big one on her chest! she got that one from the multiple times shes been stabbed in the chest (thats. SUCH a common place of injury in fanfic actually??) the most recent i think is from [this sans/reader fic] that i've been reading for the past while its rlly good u should check it out :)

the one down the middle (from her chest to below her belly button? u cant see it too well cuz of the chest one but its from this one really gorey creepy ass MTT/reader on ao3 where the y/n was like. disected??? idk but she got her HEART ripped out and shit, it was weird, but it stuck w/ me so its been one of her scars for however long

the one under her left boob is another stab wound from... i think? tmnt? i forget if it was tmnt or creepypasta, but im pretty sure creepypasta usually does stuff lower.

speaking of, the one on her right side is from a couple different times she was stabbed in creepypasta (mostly by jeff, probably) it doubles as where she was hurt by the wood in the onward thing

the one on her right shoulder and the two scratches are from her own lil adventures, especially the one on her shoulder its another one of those common injury scar things.

you can only kind of see it but the little one on her left side is from where she had one of her kidneys stolen by eyeless jack in creepypasta, because of course thats happened before, cmon now. its regenerated by now, but the scar persists none the less.

the one her thigh and the one on her shoulder are both from creepypasta fics, both were jeff x readers i think? the one on her shoulder she got at the same time she was stabbed in the side i think, it was from this scene were fuckin, jeff was goin' nutts and attacked her or something? and the one on her thigh was just another common-injury scar from that fandom idk

uhh the two bite marks were from when she was attacked by either one of the creepypastas that have sharp teeth or it was some kind of monster from somwhere idk they aren't from fics i dont think tho

and then the self harm scars is because of how often the author writes y/n as depressed (usually as a vent or something) and therefore the y/n may cut and its usually hurt/comfort or something similar. i figure a few are from herself too, because of common injury OR because she was kind of experimenting with pain and getting hurt and sharp things when she was first getting used to haveing a Body and the likes

and then these three!

the mouth one is from a jeff x reader where jeff cuts a smile in the reader's face. i didn't wanna give her the full smile because of recognizability, but i figured she could have little ones at the corner of her mouth instead.

the one around her leg is from a bear trap, it wasn't in a fic i just figure yeah she probably got caught in one at some point, thats just a ray thing to do

aaand the last one is from [aNOTHER jeff x reader] by @/littlebitoffanfic (they're work is just really good anyway) where the reader gets hurt and the jeff feels guilty ands its this angsty hurt/comfort, but yknow

thats it!! that was really long. either way if you read all this and wanna know more about certain specific ones lmk! i dont remember what all the fics were that she got her scars from- especially because some of them happened multiple times, but i tried to link them if i could remember what they were. either way, yeah :)

#Ray D'Roe #oc #art #dipity doodles #tw scars #tw gore #ask to tag #tw self harm #tw injury #im probably not gonna draw these all the time cuz theres just so fucking many #but also cuz maybe like she hides 'em w/ glamour or something #just cuz of convenience and her job and all that #should i tag this as long post?#no its under a cut nvm

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haloud · 4 years ago

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michael guerin loves alex manes

So there’s been a narrative within the fandom ever since the s1 hiatus that Michael hasn’t been shown to love Alex like Alex loves him, that Michael never does anything for Alex, that Michael never makes himself available. I couldn’t disagree more. So here’s a list from season 1.

Michael:

Has a picture of them together and keeps it in a special box along with pictures of his family and has for 10 years

Kisses him at the reunion (after asking if Alex wants him to leave and giving him a chance to say no to the kiss.)

Gives him massive puppy eyes across a crowded bar after Isobel asks him if there’s anyone he would sacrifice everything for, which Alex sees, acknowledges with a lingering glance, then deliberately looks away.

“For me, nothing’s changed” “I never look away, not really”

Kisses him again

Literally everything about their scene in bed in 1x03, from the way he says “you stayed” to the way his mouth opens under Alex’s thumb to the reverent way he touches his leg

Wants his sister to know he and Alex are together but honors Alex’s refusal even though he’s hurt by it

Says he’d hate Max for sending Alex away in a direct comparison to Max’s fury at him and Isobel sending Liz away (aka saying he loves Alex the same way Max loves Liz)

At prom, he breaks up Alex’s fight with Kyle and, eyes only for Alex, tenderly asks if he’s okay

Opens up to Alex about how music makes him feel—the only person Michael ever seems to open up to about this part of himself

Kisses him in the UFO Emporium

“[I’ve never done this] with anyone I’ve liked as much as I like you”

Bodily defends Alex from a hammer-wielding Jesse and ends up permanently (or whatever -_-) injured from it

Tries to approach Alex in the bar in 1x09 after Alex hasn’t spoken to him for almost two months with no explanation. Tries a second time to talk to him/get him to open up until Alex shuts him down.

He says yes when Alex says Michael loved him for a long time

“We just connected like something—” “Cosmic.”

Opens up to Alex about his profoundly abusive childhood. Alex is the first person Michael is shown to trust with this part of himself in present day.

As soon as knowing about aliens doesn’t send Alex running screaming, Michael shows him his lab and everything he’s been working on even though an episode ago he was telling Liz not to touch it with Isobel’s life on the line.

“If anyone’s going to destroy me, it might as well be you.”

“Alex was the first person to make me feel like there was a place for me here.”

Loves Alex so much he leaves the mother he’s been searching for his entire life instead of staying to die beside her because Alex wouldn’t leave him otherwise.

“I love him, I probably always will.” <- the only time either of them has used love in the present tense about the other

So yeah, that’s a substantial but probably not comprehensive list of the ways Michael loves Alex and expresses it. Michael is not always nice; he’s mean when he gets defensive, and he gets defensive a lot. But throughout season 1 he also regularly puts himself out there for Alex while still respecting his space whenever Alex asks for it (which happens at least three times that I can think of—after the reunion, until Alex comes to him at the end of 1x02; after the drive in all the way until 1x09; and after the bar in 1x09 until, again, Alex changes his mind).

I’d also like to address a specific criticism I’ve seen about Michael’s feelings for Alex. No, Michael doesn’t bring up Alex to other people; but Alex specifically says he doesn’t want Isobel to know about them in 1x03 and never expresses a change of heart with regards to that. Michael talking about his relationship with Alex would be against his wishes and, frankly, really out of line and a denial of Alex’s agency. He’s not perfectly gracious about it, but it’s something that hurts him. He wants their relationship to be known, and Alex doesn’t until much, much later. As for Michael not defending Alex verbally…at what point does Alex require that verbal defense? No one ever talks bad about Alex to Michael! The only times Michael is there when Alex is under attack are at prom—and Michael intervenes—and in the shed—and Michael throws himself at Jesse screaming “don’t touch him.” Asking that Michael give the same verbal defense of Alex as Alex does for him is such a false equivalency, because their circumstances aren’t the same. It’s like saying “well if Alex really loved Michael he would tell someone that he’d hate them if they made Michael leave him.”

In season 2, Michael is pushing everyone away. He feels poisoned by hope, and explicitly, Alex represents hope in better things to Michael. Michael absolutely pushes Alex away in season 2. He’s not particularly kind about it. Especially in 2x02. But in 2x01 when he says that he doesn’t think they’re good for each other, he includes his own fault in that--he admits that he thinks he hasn’t been good for Alex either. And furthermore, the thing he says that people hate? “All our years of this, I’ve never said no to you. You come and you go and I go where you put me. This is me saying no.” Is also Michael admitting his own fault. It’s not an entirely accurate statement--we know of one instance and I think we can safely infer others where Michael said no with his actions if not his words--but it is him acknowledging that his own passivity in their relationship was half the problem and him setting a boundary to break that cycle.

I think most malex fans were dissatisfied in various ways by season 2, and I think that inconsistencies and skewed priorities in the writing damaged the arcs and characterizations of just about every character, michael and alex very much included. But I think it’s disingenuous not to accept that the show wants us to believe, and therefore will proceed with this dynamic at the base, that both michael and alex contributed equally to the ways their relationship fell apart and hurt the other. With both of them having such a long history of trauma, with both of them having so few examples of healthy relationships to draw on in their lives, it’s not surprising things went like they did.

We end the season on can we both stop keeping score. I think fandom should take a hint from that. This list isn’t meant to be Michael’s scorecard, but merely a refutation of the idea that Michael’s love for Alex is an informed attribute. The idea that Michael hasn’t been shown to love Alex so deeply that it’s a part of who he is…that the foundation hasn’t been laid…it isn’t supported by canon. He loves him a lot. He loves him to distraction, to the point of agony, to the point of peace. Even after everything in season 2, he drops everything and makes a bomb that he thinks could wipe out his species to save Alex. Michael Guerin loves Alex Manes.

But that doesn’t mean that you as a fan have to keep shipping them. Even if they’re what got you into the show. Even if you think they’re going to be endgame. Even if you think they’re the only way you’re going to get eyes on your fanwork. If you hate half the ship, I encourage you to find a ship that makes you happier instead of subjecting yourself to a character you can’t stand. Also, if you’re going to write vent fic about how insufferable you find a certain character and how much you want them to Pay for their Crimes, it’s polite to tag it thusly.

#rnm meta

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kc-anathema · 4 years ago

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I’m so sorry I did another long post so soon...

So a long time ago, I received a flame on Spec Ops 98: Jazz's Interrogation at Soundwave's Pedes. I hadn’t received a flame in a long time, and I haven’t received one since (which is amazing, since this was on chapter 26 back in...dear heavens, 2015. This fic is officially an epic.)

In fact, I stopped reading the flame once I realized it was a flame, about four chunks in. 2015, five years ago, I was changing principals, changing schools, trying to figure out how to marry my Canadian then-fiance and figure out immigration. (Fun type--marry her in Vegas, wait a couple years, bring her over. Use a lawyer to make sure it’s all kosher.) So yeah, didn’t read.

And then a concerned reader mentioned to me that I didn’t deserve this awful flame and that they loved the story. And I thought...oh yeah, there was a flame on this. That was a couple months ago.

I finally decided to break the flame apart like I used to. This feels very nostalgic to me. I found out that this is really the flamer’s only claim to fame--they flame fics and troll writers. I’m not going to name them then, although you can find the easily on the ff.net review page for this fic.

My father once told me that, if anyone ever spraypainted slurs across my house...leave the slurs up. Don’t pay to remove them. Let the awful words stay up until everyone in the neighborhood is begging us to take them down again.

I think leaving the review there says more about her than me. And I’m going to enjoy clawing this apart, I think, like a cat scratching apart a lizard.

Flame begin:

We’ve got a problem if Soundwave is involved here and he’s not pulling his usual ‘Decepticons, Superior’ line. Add on a fic about perverts and we get this. Ah, well. What are you gonna do?

Remember the character Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, and how he said “Bazinga” all the time? That kind of went from a joke to an overused character crutch. Like ‘dynomite!’ or ‘did I do that’? Is it really good to rely on a character line to the point where we can call it ‘usual’?

“I’ll take my pleasure and that sweet aft” – Sounds like a cheesy commercial for Robot Chicken. Fireflight is locked up in a dungeon and is about to be whipped by a BDSM Starscream. That’s not at all OOC. Basically it’s a fanfiction that talks about fanfiction.

I...um. Yes. Yes, it’s an OOC line modeled directly after pulp fiction zines and tijuana bibles. I literally looked up several of those on the Internet Archives and various old men’s magazines covers. It’s not fanfiction directly, although it’s certainly what fanfic evolved out of.

Do these look subtle? Low key? Classy? Tasteful? It’s cheap trash and it’s fun as hell. I don’t think readers at the time thought that these were in any way true. This is right along the lines of drawn hentai. So I think the flamer admitted despite themself that I did good.

“We’re stuck here in the middle of a war...we don’t have time for sex” – That’s right. But that fact doesn’t apply does it?

...reading trashy, porny magazines is not sex. It’s actually something you do when you can’t get sex for whatever reason. I would know. A lot of us would know. Apparently not the flamer. No one thinks that “hey, I got a chick/dude willing to bang right now...but the new issue of Men’s World is out! Can’t miss that!” Unless you have some serious fetishes that your partner is too weirded out by, I think this does indeed apply.

Then Jazz gets captured and lo and behold, Soundwave is revealed to be the Christian Grey of the story. I hope he has some maid outfits for Jazz.

...our flamer hits the sludgy bottom of the joke well and grabs their shovel. They do not try very hard for originality in their insults. And, while Grey was a jerk, Fifty Shades wasn’t quite a prisoner of war scenario. No, that was a cheap romance for chicks. I’m writing more akin to men’s...oh.

The flamer is a chick.

Their only bdsm or bad romance experience is with Fifty Shades.

I don’t think they read much.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we have a shower scene. Damn if it’ll be Carrie!

Iiiiiiiiiiiii did not write a shower scene?

Dudette, did you even do the reading you say you did?

There’s no point in adding moral ambiguity, especially in regards to Soundwave. He won’t be swayed easily, or at all, by Jazz’s speech. He’s cold hearted for a reason. He serves the Decepticon cause until the very bitter end. He’s a lot like Shockwave that way. Highly doubtful he would find meaning or even the relevance of writing pornographic fanfiction, but eh, this was never meant to be serious, was it?

...no. It’s a humor fic. The flamer is criticizing a humor fic for being humorous. Kudos for identifying the genre? I mean, the flamer is also complaining that I did not write Soundwave as a one-dimensional factionalist without examining what that means for him and how the mission creep has left the original political crusade behind. It’s not like I took pieces of Soundwave from Gen1, IDW, and the comics and blend them all together.

This reminds me of the fanboys in the TMNT fandom who keep pushing for every iteration to simply rehash their nostalgia boner for the original toon. I feel like I’m getting the Transformers version of wanting less of this:

because it isn’t the familiar characterizations of this:

“So what’s the down low?” – You, Jazz. You’re going to give the down-low to Soundwave. I can’t wait to read how shiny his robo-vagina is.

...wow. Classy there, flamer. Also I really don’t think they read anything. This whole fic is plug n’ play. There’s exchanging of cables, talk of code and positronic souls and sparks and revving engines. There isn’t a drop of sticky, spike, or fluids.

Chapter 15’s sex scenes bore me. Nothing is worse than having a guy ask to remove every bit of clothing. Just do it already! And why is Jazz a virgin? Come on!

Look--the thing about sex and fetish and whatever revs your engine is that it’s not going to rev everyone’s engine. You don’t like the type of interfacing here? Fine. I don’t like those kind of sex scenes in my porn either. But I wasn’t write that scene for porn. I wanted write warbuild Jazz dealing with violent subroutines while interfacing with Prowl. I had fun with it.

Why is Jazz a virgin? The previous 15 chapters discuss that.

I really don’t think the flamer read the fic.They scanned for anything remotely sexual, so I don’t think I’m going to take anything they say about this fic being ooc for perversion’s sake.

“Everyone here is damn pervy” – In which a character talks about the author.

“We gotta get Soundwave to finish writing his story” – Why? I mean, what’s the point? It’s not doing anything for them, unless it’s to show how castrated Soundwave is. I’ve seen him act better in Mary-Sue fics.

There is a whole plot about Starscream and Skyfire, and I thought I could trust the readers to be intelligent enough to make the leap with the parallels between Soundwave and Jazz.

This is literally the only review that questions why Jazz said that.

The Mary Sue shot just echoes the Fifty Shades swipe. I think this flamer did most of their flames roughly ten years ago--the insults are pretty dated.

The Decepticons don’t know about Ratchet? Why? I mean, he’s one of the oldest dudes there. He has a reputation. When you have a reputation, people know about you. It’s inevitable. I think your inner logic slips a lot.

At this point, I literally have 21 previous chapters of world building.

I am not surprised that the story’s logic was slipping away from one of us.

It’s funny to read the forum responses in the story. It’s like the author is trying to make fun of detractors yet ends up making fun of herself.

Okay, this part is hilarious for a reason only briefly noted in the fic. I think that the only things this can refer to are the comments from the chapter titled Flames of the M4gn1f1c3ntSkyPr1nc3--because those are literally the first flames/comments I put in the fic. And I didn’t write them!

My wife wrote them! I don’t write Starscream well but she just poured those out like water--she’s seen more of the hysterical side of fandom, particularly the earlier TF fandom, and I snipped out pieces for the fic.

So...I mean, we’re pretty happily married, so I don’t think she counts as a detractor. ^___^ Ultimately I started writing this fic for her.

“Your optics make me crazy” – Not at all a cliché.

Good thing I didn’t write that, then. Here is that little section in the Prowl/Jazz section. (Took me a bit to find it since I plugged that into the Find and couldn’t bring it up.)

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I like what you do to me. Jazz allowed him in, tilting his helm. I never really understood it, y'know? How mechs could lower their guard so much. Let someone this close.

And now? Prowl drew back, wanting to see Jazz for the answer. With a quiet ping, he warned the other mech even as he raised his hand, touching Jazz's visor.

I still think you're crazy always going on about my optics, Jazz said, venting even as he disengaged the locks and let Prowl gently remove the blue polycarbon.

Your optics are perfection, Prowl corrected him. And you let me see them. Hundreds of mechs wondering what's under that visor, but I get to see.

Still shy about letting someone else see them, Jazz turned his head, only for Prowl to touch his cheek and turn him back, coaxing his optics to open with a soft brush of his thumb.

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Not bad for an asexual, I think. I mean, it’s not like I have a ton of hands on experience, being kinda broken that way. But I have read plenty of pulp magazines and pulp radio shows!

This didn’t take long. I skimmed through this work, because there was so little content. Lots of ridiculous shit, though. Soundwave writes fanfiction, the Autobots are weirded out/turned on, capture Soundwave, Soundwave realizes that his whole life was a life and decides to defect. Yeah, about that. He wouldn’t do it lickety split, let alone EVER. Hell, the reactions in the forum bits show what some would think of this, if they weren’t too busy fapping.

The funny thing is I don’t think the mechs can even fap. I don’t write them doing that. But yes, flamer, I do believe that you skimmed through the work. Particularly since you’ve recounted it backwards...Soundwave captures Jazz as the capstone to a long internal conflict within himself, but rather than go through chapters of internal monologue and Decepticon politics, I started the story as close to the inciting action as possible, not quite in media res.

I won’t hash out why Soundwave defects. I mean, I spent 22 chapters at that point explaining it. But it’s my fault the flamer skimmed, I guess?

Needless to say: the romance bored me senseless. It was poorly written, and overall there’s really no skill attached to this. You don’t grip the audience and Jazz’s virgin mode made me roll my eyes. Reads like a first-time waifu manga.

Nah.

I’ve been writing way too long and am more than self-aware enough of my own failings that I’m also pretty self-aware of my own strengths, too. And no. It’s not poorly written. I definitely feel I could improve the first few chapters a bit, but that’s because I wrote those over five years ago and I’ve improved since then, too.

Empty insults. Maybe if the flamer had gone so far as to give a critique beyond a couple of misquoted lines and their own headcanons, I might have listened, but there’s literally nothing of substance here beyond a child tantrumming that I’m stupid and bad and should feel bad.

As for the other pairings, booooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring.

Usually I have a fun time setting these fics on fire, but this one bored me senseless. Yes, it was stupid, but the author’s attempt to authenticate it are just as sloppy as anything else.

“Authenticate”?

Is this person talking about using fandom tropes as my setting?

There are 22 chapters at the time, and now 51 chapters, building up this world and using roughly 20 years of fandom background to inform the fic.

Maybe if they hadn’t skimmed, they might have found something interesting. But considering that they skimmed over anything character related and stopped for the sex scene--I don’t think that says anything about my writing and more about their own proclivities.

They were trying to read one-handed. A plug n play fic. A long meta look at fandom in war in a humor fic. And they came here for the sexy times.

I don’t have to draw the conclusion here, do I? Well, for the flamer, probably. And then they’d glance at it for a second, call it sloppy, and say I showed nothing, and what I showed was boring, and that boring stuff was ooc anyway.

One thing I am thankful for is the fact that it is not long.

51 chapters later and I’m still not done.

Nothing’s worth remembering in this and I don’t need to tell you that these characters either act like simpering imbeciles, or are virginal waifus. All I’m missing is a senpai in the bed, some tissues, and some high quality lotion.

...why do they keep referencing gay human sex? I mean, I get it, they’re saying that it’s similar to yaoi fics, but.

This is anti-yaoi with its last hurrah, isn’t it? The late 90s, early 2000s, rising from its sludgy well to try to shame the easily cowed and intimidated, the young writers easily startled by long lines of text. No wonder the citations used are so...15 years ago. I mean, who was talking about Sues even 5 years ago. That criticism kind of faded a long while ago, even then.

I think the sad thing is, even the badly written Sue sex fics end up being more interesting than this. If Ebony Darkness D’Mentia Raven Way were to come along, I think this story would get better. What with her ‘I shot him a gazillion times’ lines.

...and there’s the cherry on the top. Third cheap shot firing blanks. Sue + Fifty Shades +...shit, I can’t even remember the title for that infamous fic. It’s that old.

...this fanfic flamer is old.

Like, don’t get me wrong. We’ve got fandom moms and grandmoms who cut their teeth on fandom print zines in the earliest conventions. They’re not “old” in the same way.

This person has lost any joy, humor, or playfulness that fanfic comes from. No one should go into fanfic expecting fine art. I mean, sure, it happens sometimes, but this is a playground of pulp, experimentation and just plain childish fun.

All in all, not worth remembering. It’s makes me tired to read it. It’s not even stupid enough to make me laugh. You’ll still get a fail rating for me, especially with the shitty version of Soundwave here.

Yes, fanfic flamer. You are indeed tired.

He should be on Big Brother. He’d be great making soy lattés and purees.

Big Brother in 2015 was in its 17th season. There were roughly around 6 million viewers at the time. The demographics for the tv viewing audience were graying even by the 2000s, and by 2015-18, it was significantly older.

Granted, it’s a very tenuous conclusion to draw, but combined with the old fandom references, the anti-yaoi vibes I’m getting, and the fanboyish desire to curate their own headcanon of a character to the point of insulting writers on the internet...

Flamer grew from being a reader to a bitter, old person angry and the whipper snappers for writing stupid, trashy crap that they criticize with broad, unspecific insults.Flamer is the stereotypical mean adult in any 90s cartoon or heavy metal rock video.

A little depressing. Poor flamer. I do hope they found more creative, engaging, and positive things to do.

Me? I just wanna rock.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk on pulp fiction and bitter cultural creators.

#in a nutshell #sorry for another long post #I just wanted to finally do this #after thinking about it for awhile #felt like a loose end #fandom #fanfiction #transformers fanfic

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wiredandrewired · 5 years ago

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Was trying to actually work on something but my brain is stuck on loop. So instead I’m gonna make a post of the Voltron stuff sitting unposted in my writing WIP folder to help me organize my thoughts.

I guess since I’m posting this, if you have anything you wanna say/ask about any of these feel free. I respond well to outside interest.

1. Project ReVolt is without a doubt the project I’ve posted about the most here. And talked about in random tags. And tangents. Originally it was just the name the project had in my internal brain filing cabinet but it’s kind of spread and stuck to where my wife and I just refer to it as that when we talk about it.

ReVolt is basically going to be a VLD series rewrite more along the lines of how my wife and I would have done it or at least liked to see it done. In some places it will probably stick pretty damn close to the events of the series canon, but in others go completely off the deep end. We’re each going to be doing one, so a lot of the headcanon and worldbuilding and such that we’ve worked out together in various other stories and RPs will be consistent between the two stories, but it will also give us a place to veer out and do things without the others’ input (as we’re not gonna let each other see our fics until they post, tee hee). I’ve done a SHITPOT of rules and infrastructure work using actual alchemy tracts to try and make sense of the series’ largely Powers As The Plot Demands system, and am pretty convinced I’m going to A)fall hard into my very common Esoterica Ranting Mode pitfall and B)enrage literally everyone who reads it with my character and plot choices. Most conservative estimate says this will be six ‘books’ long as again, we’re doing literally the entire series. Current status: at the ‘ridiculously large amount of notes and setting up actual arcs and outlines’ stage, and waiting for the wife to finish ‘Happier HOPEless’.

2. There Are No Monsters Here is a fic I really want to do but cannot seem to get off the ground, set to take place entirely in the ‘last universe’ from season 8--the one native-Honerva died in and crazed-death-god-Honerva picked out as her ideal and tried to wedge herself into. I guess the basic idea was that, like the ‘main’ universe, it got rebuilt pretty much as it was prior to Nightmare Mom Ruining Everything, and I have it with no one fully remembering the events of season 8 that took place there, but characters really closely tied to those events having some itching feeling that something happened, and all the Altean alchemists agreeing that some kind of massive quantum Event certainly occurred even if they don’t know what.

Mostly the story exists as a place for me to have a canon-compliant AU that still lets me explore stuff like Altean history, the racial and cultural tensions of the Coalition, dink around with Oldadins that DON’T die in one fell swoop, a living Daibazaal and Altea, Lotor growing up with a decent-but-not-without-strains relationship with his dad, teen Allura and tiny Lotor being absolute shits to each other while also coming to terms as they grow up with who and what they MUST be both on a political and quantum scale, and generally prove that even a perfect universe isn’t, all in one place. The title is entirely facetious, and anyone who’s read any of my alien culture headcanons for this series knows that. Lol. Current status: lots of bits and pieces, but no good beginning or connective tissue. I have a lot of notes, some arc outlines, and a few scattered scenes and bits of dialogue from later in the story, but my god, I CANNOT get it off the ground.

3. Someone Must Get Hurt (But It Won’t Be Me) is supposed to be a pretty wholly Honerva-centric fic that starts...sometime in her youth?...and carries forward to an as-yet-undetermined point. Probably her death. I mean the first one. I’m not sure. Another chance to dig my fingers into Altean culture and Alchemy, this time leading up to All The Bad Shit That Happened, with the added bonus of being done from a focal point of a character I have a lot of really strong feelings about both positive and negative that’s resulted in me somehow being EVEN MORE wrapped up in her than I was before I added abject knee-jerk trauma hatred to the mix. In no way meant to make Honerva more sympathetic, I think I just want to write her even more like my mother so I’ll feel EVEN BETTER about killing her? Idk man my feelings about her are so complicated. Also an excuse to write a shitpot of her and Zarkon because listen, I’m really glad they’re married because I ship them so fuckin hard. Current Status: SO many notes. SO much infrastructure. Like three pages of an opening I’m almost definitely throwing away because I can’t decide where, when, or how to open but feel like this isn’t it. One short but very telling scene of Honey and Zarkon from late in the story. I’m obsessed with it but I can’t get anywhere.

4. Currently Untitled Demon Hunter AU started because my wife talks to me about Happier HOPEless a LOT and I just got an itch in my bones to work on one myself. In spite of the entire Demon Hunter AU thing getting started by a prompt on a Shance blog, neither Shiro nor Lance are set to appear for at least a chapter? And I am not confident in my ability to not veer off into utter non-shipping anyway because man, am I bad at it. Or like...just an entirely different ship for either or both of them. Current Status: A lot of vague notes, a POWERFUL urge to structure the chapters and overall arc after Ripley’s Gates even though that limits my chapter count and means I will DEFINITELY have 20k+ word chapters, and about seven pages of the first chapter so I guess I’m committed now?

5. Currently Untitled Post Series Fic basically exists for me to vent my frustrations about two main things: The Universe is Fucking Huge And There Are Dangers Other Than Galra, and The Galra Empire Was Huge and Is Not Going To All Fall In Line Behind Voltron Coalition and Especially Behind Keith Who Just Arbitrarily Fucking Decided To Tell Them They Couldn't Pick A New Leader According To Their Own Traditions And Need To Do What They’re Told Now What The Fuck. Also there was a lot of stuff in the series that got left hanging, and while ReVolt is an IN-series fix-it fic, I wanted something that patched up loose ends in a way that was satisfactory to me but also kind of canon-compliant. Current Status: A lot of notes and screaming. No one has seen my progress on this and they might never.

6. Dog Runs And Death Dreams is a warmup file turned deeply self-indulgent series of scenes in which I choose to assume that Shiro’s rare neuromuscular disorder was left so ambiguous so I could plug the symptoms of mine into it. It’s genuinely not any deeper than that. The whole thing is set pre-Kerberos, and includes copious Shiro x Adam content because of it, but also not the kind that makes me feel good about writing because that means it includes the ‘slow fizzle’ that leads up to their breakup before the mission. Ugh. Working on it does make me feel better when I've been having symptoms, though, and I’ve been letting myself write it, unchastised, in a really loose rambly way that I usually deride myself for. It’s just cathartic. Current Status: no notes, no plan, just strain-writing between seizures, but somehow it feels like it has some kind of structure and just keeps growing? Possibly too close to the bone for me to ever post.

7. Birth and Rebirth was born out of two things: the fact that Zarkon is shown to have two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT reactions to first being presented with his baby son in different flashbacks and different seasons, and the fact that in spite of the flashbacks we get at the end of the series, earlier on, the impression I got of Lotor and Zarkon’s relationship wasn’t of a young man who had never had affection from his father, but who had instead lost it. Well, three things: I have a lot of underlying issues at work, at play, and at large when it comes to the Galra Imperial Family. Also, anyone notice the monitor blips in the first baby Lotor flashbacks indicate a heart murmur? Anyway, it was supposed to be a thoroughly self-indulgent and thoroughly self-hurtful examination of Lotor’s early life and the death by degrees of what was left of his father in the husk Rift Adventures left behind, but I got stuck on it a little way in. Current Progress: ten pages, a lot of notes, and some wistfulness. I keep hoping I’ll get inspired to pick it back up again. Contemplating rewriting some of the beginning, maybe it’ll help?

Bonus entry that is not actually in any form of progress soever:

50/50 Voltron Trashfire Edition is spawned from the ‘50/50′ challenge on an old TF board I used to haunt. It’s a fifty-prompt smut challenge using the list of ‘50 reasons to have sex’ from some tv show, and the idea is to write a different ship for every prompt (hence the name). My wife is blazing through it and has several (like twelve?) up on her AO3, but I’ll be utterly blunt: I haven’t written fifty porn fics in my LIFE. Over ALL my fandoms. Current Status: Literally all I have done is assign a ship to each prompt, and I might actually have some prompts with just question marks beside them still. I have one aborted start to one entry. That’s it. It’s not happening. But the empty file is technically in the folder, SO.

#things Rewire Writes #disregard I'm decompiling #writing woes #fanfiction: the struggle #the state of the rest of these makes me a little worried about Revolt tbh #I need to unclog the writing pen in my brain

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sparxwrites · 6 years ago

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I'm not sure if you've answered something similar before (I can't find it if you have but knowing tumblrs terrible search function that's not saying much) but why do you write such dark sexual stories? What is it that you find so appealing in these twisted tales? Please understand this is from a point of good faith - I'm not judging and I enjoy dark stories and erotica both, only seperately. I'm just morbidly curious as to why you enjoy the combination as I see no appeal in it personally

oof, just a nice easy question to answer on a friday night, anon. okay. there’s a lot of answers to this question, depending on how personal i want to get and also like... which stories you’re talking about.

some stories i write that could be considered “darkly sexual” are categorically erotica. stuff involving weird, niche kinks, or monsters, or “dub-con” (which is not a real thing, i know, it’s a fantasy erotica thing)... the appeal there is, idk, whatever the fantasy is. they are, in my mind, written as fantasies - a fic where a character doesn’t want sex and then ends up "enjoying” having a monster lay eggs in them is obviously not what happens irl. eggs aside, no one ends up actually enjoying sexual assault. they’re written (from my side) with the air of “irl this would be Utterly Reprehensible, but what i’m essentially writing here is like... a roleplay session between two consenting partners where i am both partners”. it’s all fantasy! it’s all fake! it’s a bdsm scene or whatever where they’re both pretending/playing a role, except it’s just me writing it out with little finger puppets (either for my amusement/titillation, or the amusement/titillation of others).

then there’s... Other Stuff. see also, a lot of my percy and ripley fics. and i find it interesting that people often read those as fetish stuff because, whilst they do have sex in them, those are fundamentally horror stories. the appeal i get out of them is the same as whump/darkfic. when i write about horrible, traumatising sex where one person clearly doesn’t enjoy it, that is not a sexual fantasy for me. characters roleplaying at it, sure, me playing fingerpuppets with it, sure. but something deeply and fundamentally focused on the trauma and violation of that kind of thing is not, for me, sexual (and if what you’re getting off on is the actual nonconsent, rather than the playing at/silly version of nonconsent, i have some questions/concerns. this seems like a weird and not-really-there line, but it’s surprisingly obvious and disconcerting when someone/a fic crosses it tbh). what i get out of that is a deep sense of catharsis. i’ve gone into why i think i (and others) get this catharsis a little in my meta tag and this specific post - but, at the end of the day, i don’t exactly know.

i think, perhaps, it is that i am a very sad person sometimes, and a very angry person sometimes, and in real life i spend a lot of time keeping both of those things hidden and pressed down, and... there has to be some kind of release valve for those emotions. with fiction, i have a safe way of managing that, both reading and writing - i can be both aggressor and victim, no one gets hurt (i find the thought of hurting people abhorrent; i nearly passed out once because a stranger was in pain from a dislocated shoulder, despite the lack of visible injury. hyperempathy is wild), i get to work through a whole bunch of psychological shit from various stuff i won’t go into... i often refer to writing as a release, or a valve, or a way to ease the pressure inside my head, or a form of venting.

as to why sexual assault often shows up in these stories... i do frequently write whump without sexual assault, but it’s also like. a) a bunch of personal stuff that i don’t give enough of a shit to talk about, but it’s there, and b) sex and sex-adjacent stuff (often rape and assualt, but even consensual stuff!) has such a fascinating way of crystallising character/power dynamics, or stripping people bare, or exposing vulnerability, or dragging up really awful, messy, scary, painful, confusing stuff. and that makes it often a really good target when you (like me) want all those emotions in your writing because you’re using it as a pressure-valve vent, and as a way to safely experience and work through them. writing about difficult or traumatic relationships to the self, the body, to sex and to other people... sex is really good for all of that stuff. idk.

also, sometimes fics end up a weird mix of the two. i can’t think of any off the top of my head for cr, but for yogs (my previous fandom) i wrote a handful of things for a character that was essentially straight out of a horror movie and another monster character, with some real questionable consent stuff. 50% of that was “this is horrible and manipulative and just. really fucking Awful” and 50% of that was “hrnghghgh tentacles hot” so like. yknow. my brain is a weird mess i guess, is the takeaway message here.

(sometimes, there’s also an element of “can i get myself into this headspace” or “this is an interesting technical exercise” - i wrote something a while back about ripley masturbating to the memory of torturing percy, and that falls into this category. that wasn’t a fetish/fantasy thing, that was a character study, using sex as a medium to work through ripley’s obsessive, violent thoughts and strip away the veneer of imparitiality she so loves to pretend she has.)

idk how well this explains it - this is something i spend a lot of brain-power analysing on a regular basis, because i am constantly nosy about how my brain works and why it works in these weird, angular, fucked-up kinds of ways (not just with writing, the adventures of being autistic means i spend a Lot of time analysing myself to make sure i’m calibrating my interactions with other people correctly). i still haven’t entirely worked it out, and a lot of the stuff i have worked out is personal/messy enough i both don’t want to and can’t be arsed to explain it to strangers on the internet. i hope it’s given a Bit of an explanation tho, and if there’s a specific fic that prompted this comment, feel free to ask me about it specifically, bc i might be able to offer a little more insight as to my thought processes for like... a specific example i guess.

#anonymous #ask #meta #blogging into the void #i ask myself this exact question pretty much every day anon lmao #and it really boils down to 'it makes the tangly mess of poison and thorns in my chest feel a little easier to breathe around for a while'#or perhaps it's closer to dredging up sludge from the bottom of my chest; i come away feeling cleaner and lighter; almost relieved #i heard someone describe it as 'finding fiction that makes the same noises as the shredder in your head' once #and i like that description a lot as well #there is something so intensely Cathartic about it.......

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violas-notebook · 2 years ago

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an essay into the void, i guess

i’ve been getting back into this fandom lately, and it’s brought back some memories of this person i used to be friends with. the first time i was in the fandom, i was in it with them and we had a story/au we worked on together, and so the fandom and our friendship are intertwined in my mind in a way. but we don’t talk anymore, and i’m pretty sure they hate me, or at least, they did the last time i checked.

it’s been a long time since i last talked to them. i’ve accepted that we both made big mistakes w how our friendship ended, and i wish it hadn’t, but i’m ok not having them in my life anymore. i’ve realized that i’m happy with my life as it is. but lately i’ve had things on my mind that i’d thought i’d made peace with a long time ago.

we had this big fight like six months after our friendship ended that was also the last time i meaningfully spoke to them. they contacted me to air their grievances at me, and i was very upset bc i didn’t want to rehash things and they didn’t give me the choice. they said a lot of hurtful things, and honestly, most of it was valid. the general gist was that they felt i’d been dumping my mental health issues on them and it was negatively impacting their own mental health. it was true, and hearing it was hard. they’d never told me at the time, even though i’d tried asking them if they were okay. but there’s one thing in particular that they said to me that day that, for some reason, i can’t let go of.

they told me that they felt i’d used them for various things in our friendship. they said, you were using me as a therapist, as a person to vent to, etc. and then they said, you were just using me for your story ideas.

when we were friends, we had so many story ideas together. but they weren’t my story ideas, they were ours. i was the writer, so i was the one who would bring some of them to life in fic/short story format, but the ideas were theirs just as much as they were mine. we’d brainstorm for hours over text and on long walks together, bouncing ideas off of each other till we came up with something amazing, and then i would turn it into written words. this, to me, was one of the most special aspects of our friendship. i loved the connection we had, and i thought it was just as fun for them as it was for me. but i guess i was wrong.

it hurts me so, so much - probably more than anything else about the entire situation, if i’m being honest - to think that for the whole time that i was friends with this person, they felt our story-creating sessions as a burden imposed on them by me, and resented me for using them as some kind of vessel for ideas. and they didn’t even tell me, but just let me go on thinking we were both having a blast.

with distance and time from that conversation, which was almost a year ago now, i know that there’s a chance they said that out of anger. our final interaction got heated, and i know we were both upset. that’s what i’d like to believe. but i don’t know that for sure. i will never know that for sure, because truth be told, i don’t think we’ll ever speak again. they’ve made it clear that they don’t want me in their life ever again, and while my feelings on the matter are more complicated, if our falling-out taught me one thing, it taught me that sometimes it’s best to just leave things be.

but it does haunt me. both what they said, and the urge to text them back up and ask: did you really mean it?

i’m not even sure what i’d say after that, which is a big part of why i don’t know if i’ll ever do it. i think, first and foremost, that i’d want to apologize to them. but would they appreciate the apology, or see it as selfish: just a way for me to assuage my own guilt? would they be angry at me for reaching out? would they even respond? it’s hard not to fall down a rabbit hole of guesswork. after all, i can’t say i really even know this person anymore.

i’ve thought a lot more than i’d like to admit about what might happen if i did reach back out. i even briefly contemplated doing it this summer, before deciding that it wasn’t worth it: even the thought of doing so was making me anxious, and i was happy with my life without them in it, so there didn’t seem to be much of a benefit. but there’s always this tiny crumb of wishful thinking in the back of my mind. the idea that maybe one day we could meet again, both of us older and wiser than we had been when we’d both hurt each other, and we could forgive each other. part ways with understanding and compassion. hug it out. you know.

i’ve spent more than a year now telling myself that i don’t want to be friends with this person ever again. most of this is because i know that it’s really not up to me. they’ve decided that they don’t want to be friends with me ever again, and i can’t change their mind. i’ve told myself: i don’t even miss them. my life already feels complete without them in it. they treated me just as poorly as i treated them, barging back into my life months later to shout at me for wronging them when instead of telling me at the time, they distanced themself and started picking fights till our friendship fell apart on its own.

but in my heart of hearts, i know i don’t hate them. i know if they came to me and asked me to make amends and be friends again, i’d say yes. and i’d say, you know, those stories were always yours too.

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catsbythegreat · 7 years ago

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Fic Roundup 2017

-Total year-long word count: 256,852

Word count by fandom: - Bungou Stray Dogs: 255,117 words - Haikyuu: 1,735 words

Fics completed: 65 fics

*for the fics posted I’ll only post my faves except the chapter fics, which I’ll post all of since there’s not a lot.

Drabbles: - At my worst, I worry you’ll realize you deserve better. At my best, I worry you won’t. (I’ve never been better.) (skk) -wait, you’re my soulmate? (skk) - you have no idea how much I want you right now (skk) - what did they do to you? (chuuaki) -skk hanahaki au with Dazai having hanahaki -it’s nothing (skk) -kiss on the ear (skk) -milking it (skk) -milking it (chuuaku) -Chuuya proposes to Dazai (skk)

Oneshots: -Do No Harm - bsd, skk, pandemic au -i saw you - bsd, skk, fluff -Mistake - bsd, skk, suicide attempt tw -Shades of Red - bsd, skk hanahaki au, gore tw -The Care and Keeping of Orphans - skk, no abilities Chuuya is a teacher au -who hurt you - skk -Target Practice - skk, nsfw gunplay mafia boss Dazai au -the beautiful various dreams - skk, coma fic -in the shadows - skk vampire au -Revival - skk figure skating au -Dance With Me - skk, genderfluid Dazai -Dog Run - skk dog walker au -this isn’t a private chatroom - skk chatroom fic -gone by morning - oda takes care of a drunk chuuya, background skk -you aren’t a good person (but I don’t mind) - skk, gore tw -In the Spring - kunichuu ADA President Kunikia, Mafia Boss Chuuya au -my hands have nothing to turn to - chuuaku, post Dazai leaving

Chapter Fics: -Once More - skk, post canon Chuuya trying to put himself on equal footing with Dazai -kataware doki - skk, kimi no na wa au -beneath the surface - skk, urban fantasy/kitsune au

Works-in-progress: 3 -Gifted - skk, experimental research facility au

This year I wrote and posted: 67 fics in total: 2 completed multi-chapter fics, 1 wip multi-chapter fic

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted? I wrote a lot more fic than I thought I would.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? Any BSD pairing that isn’t skk basically. Chuuaku, Kunichuu, Chuuaki. I just ship Chuuya with a lot okay.

What’s your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest? Do No Harm. I love writing au’s and sickfics and angst and I feel like this one turned out really well. I’ve looked over it a few times and I still enjoy how it’s written which is a good sign.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? I took a few risks I think. I had three multi-chapter fics going at one point which is always a risk and I finished two of them. I wrote for ships and characters I never thought I’d write. I wrote smut, which isn’t something I write a lot of, to experiment with how I could write it. And then there’s the fidget spinner fic...so yeah.

Your best story of this year: Hmm, I still think it’s Do No Harm. Revival I thought also turned out well.

Your most popular story of this year: Once More. It’s also my longest fic written this year!

Story of yours most under-appreciated by the universe, in your opinion: I think they’ve been appreciated pretty appropriately, crack fics aside. I guess if I had to list one it would be heart that believes in others just because I really like the idea of Chuuya starting to struggle in the Mafia and caring enough about Dazai to make sure he never goes back to that.

Most fun story to write: this isn’t a private chatroom. Something about chatrooms is always fun.

Story with the single sexiest moment: Target Practice. I’m a terrible judge of this actually but people tell me this is the sexiest one I’ve written so I guess I’ll say that.

Most “Holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story: You Spin Me Right Round. Uhhhh yeah I uhhhhh kadsjflkdjdflksjsfda

Story that shifted your own perceptions of the characters: Mistake. Mostly because when I after I wrote it I took some aspects of Chuuya from it and have pretty much been using them for the rest of my fics. Once More also, just because it was my first really character study of them.

Hardest story to write: Tainted. Based on what the movie summary sounds like, it’s essentially Chuuya vs Corruption. I had a really hard time figuring out how to make it work, and how to describe Corruption, and there wasn’t a lot to work with concerning Shibusawa and the actual plot since the movie isn’t out yet.

Biggest disappointment: four weeks and three days later. I wanted to do more for Port Mafia week (and Chuuaku) and I feel like this wasn’t executed as well as it could have been.

Biggest surprise: The Care and Keeping of Orphans. I kind of started this and left it alone for months because I wasn’t sure if I could write this fluff au but it actually turned out well, and I was happily surprised by how many people enjoyed it!

Most unintentionally telling story: not the first time, nor the last. (suicide attempt tw) It’s probably as close to a vent fic as will ever be published on ao3 by me.

Favorite opening line(s): -”Dazai woke up on the first morning of the school year to find Atsushi curled under his bed like a scared cat, eyes wide as he watched Dazai try to fish him out.” - The Care and Keeping of Orphans (Honestly, I’m not good at writing compelling opening lines, so this is literally the only one I found that was actually good in some way on its own.)

Favorite closing line(s): - “It’s been a long few years, Dazai.” - kataware doki - “It sank in, more so than when Dazai had first left: he and Dazai were well and truly on different sides now.” - you can’t run -”The city was dying, and he felt like he was finally dying with it. But he was stubborn. Maybe at some point, he'd feel a bit less tired.” - in the flesh -”And he mourned Dazai and Chuuya's relationship, because it had already ended before it could begin.” - gone by morning -”Love may have been suicide, but Chuuya knew it was a form of suicide Dazai would never be willing to commit.” Seasons Change One After the Other

Favorite 5 line(s) from anywhere: -’“You never remember that I know you inside out, too,” Chuuya said.’ - i saw you - “You look like the waste of hospital materials you’ve always wanted to be,” Chuuya said. - Do No Harm - “Dazai never jumped off this particular bridge. Looking down at the water, Chuuya wondered if it was because he was scared.He wondered if it was because the death was guaranteed.” - the beautiful various dreams - “It was a thin line between performing a breakdown and having one, and Chuuya didn’t know which way the performance would go until he was in it.” - Revival -“I’m only good for killing,” Chuuya had said.Right now, Dazai could believe that killing was the only thing Chuuya had been put on this earth to do. - you aren’t a good person (but I don’t mind)

Top 5 scenes from anywhere you would choose to have illustrated from anywhere - Chuuya and Dazai meeting again at the end of kataware doki -the end of Chuuya’s short program after he comes back in Revival -Chuuya right after he finishes his fight in you aren’t a good person (but i don’t mind) -Chuuya and Dazai during their dance in Dance With Me -Chuuya almost begging Ango to erase Dazai’s records in Debt

Fic-writing goals for next year: Maybe write another multi-chapter fic. I have one about Corruption I want to do but I haven’t been satisfied enough to start publishing chapters.

#my fan fic #my fanfic #soukoku #bungou stray dogs #bsd #long post

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flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash · 7 years ago

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Eleven Questions

I was tagged by the amazing @jeffreydeanneganstrash @neganismyobsession and @sherrybaby14 to play this game.

Rules.

1. Post the Rules. 2. Answer the questions given to you. 3. Make 11 questions of your own. 4. Tag 11 people.

Since I was tagged 3 times, I’m gonna slightly cheat by answering the 33 questions I was asked, then write 11 of my own questions to tag 11 people in (rather than create 33 questions which I would spend all night coming up with lol).

I’m putting a keep reading bar because this got hella long.

@neganismyobsession‘s Questions:

1. Favorite movie genre?

Lately, it seems to be horror, although I’m always a sucker for a good romance.

2. If you could bring one thing to show your favorite celebrity, what would it be?

Tbh, if I ever met JDM, I’d love to magically have the resources to print out a copy of ID to give him, or at the very least take the first chapter and ask him to sign it. No shame lol

3. Who is your favorite fanfic writer?

Just one?!?! Oh god...I read fanfiction in so many fandoms that I literally can’t say I have one favorite. However, I’m gonna give a shoutout to my girl @hannibalssweaters whose writing has introduced me to some kinks I didn’t even know I was into, and has had me reading fics about characters/fandoms I’m not even involved with. If you haven’t read her stuff, I strongly encourage it (altho heed the warnings).

4. If you could live anywhere where money was not an issue, where would you live?

Ireland, most likely

5. What brought you to Tumblr originally?

Oh wow...that was back in like 2011, and I only made a tumblr because my undergrad roommates were talking about it and told me that I should, so I did lol

6. What is your favorite past time?

Reading...does that count?

7. If the zombie apocalypse did happen, what is the first thing you would do?

Pack up my cats and attempt to make it back to my hometown, although that’s a 4 hour drive away so idk if I’d make it. But I’d have a much better chance of survival in my small hometown out in the woods than I’d ever have here in a major city. I honestly think I’d be pretty fucked and die really quickly just trying to get out of here.

8. What is one movie you could watch over and over and not get tired of it?

Pride & Prejudice

9. If you could have been born in another time era, what time era would you pick?

Tbh, the reality of any past era is not one I’d be interested in, especially as a woman. But I love reading romance novels set in various historical eras.

10. If you could be a famous person, who would you be?

Hmm...maybe Taylor Swift? Just to know what that level of fame would be like, but also because she’s relatable enough with her cats and old lady habits that I wouldn’t feel totally unlike myself lol

11. Apple or Android?

Apple

@jeffreydeanneganstrash‘s Questions:

1. Was there a book or movie that you read/watched that truly disappointed you? If so, which book/movie and why?

Book: The Game of Thrones series. I love the show (although I’m a few seasons behind) and bought the first 4 books, planning on trying to catch up and surpass where the show was, so I could know what happens next. I barely made it halfway through the first book before giving up. I was so disappointed that I just had no interest in it at all, and was forcing myself to read it. It wasn’t worth the dedication needed to read those beast-sized novels, if I wasn’t enjoying them.

2. If you could travel back in time, where would you go?

I kinda stated above how I personally would not wanna go back in time, because I like having more rights now as a woman than we have had in the past haha. I’m also not super into history, so I’m good with leaving the past in the past.

3. What is your favourite quote or song lyric?

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” ~Marilyn Monroe

4. Who is you least favourite “popular” celebrity and why?

Donald. Fucking Donald. Do I even need to explain why?

5. When there’s something strange in your neighbourhood…who are you gonna call?

Hmm...I usually call my mother or grandmother in any panicky situations, so I guess one of them? Although they live 4 hours away, so idk how helpful they’d be if it was a physical danger lol.

6. Would you ever play with a ouija board?

Fuck no

7. If you could be a part of any T.V./Movie universe, which would it be?

Most TV shows I watch are ones where human women end up dead way too often lmao. Uhhh...Harry Potter, perhaps?

8. Do you prefer mornings or nights?

Nights, definitely. Even though I have to be at work at 8am, I don’t think I’ll ever totally get used to that early morning shit.

9. Can you name 11 things that are around you?

couch, fluffy blanket, glass of water, laptop, cell phone, coffee table, 2 books on said coffee table, cat scratch post, 2 cats, purse, boots

10. Black or white?

Black

11. What is the soundtrack to your life?

One song that I relate to a lot and jam out to is Alessia Cara’s “Wild Things” lol. Also, just about anything by Taylor Swift or Kelly Clarkson is usually pretty relatable.

@sherrybaby14‘s Questions:

1. Favorite Holiday?

Thanksgiving (which is coming up!) or my birthday, if that counts

2. Santa is going to bring you one toy this year. What do you ask for?

Heh...I’d probably pick out one of the super expensive sex toys that I’ve seen and lamented being unable to afford.

3. If money were not a concern, what would your dream job be?

Being a published writer

4. What are your favorite type of puzzles?

Ohhh I love puzzles of all kinds. I went through a phase a couple of years ago with large jigsaw puzzles that I then glued and framed. But I also love Sudoku, which I haven’t done in forever.

5. What was your first kiss like?

Drunk and nothing special

6. If you had to change your first name, what name would you pick?

I’d refuse. I love my first name. It’s unique, and I rarely ever meet anyone else with it.

7. What is the best dessert you can make?

I make some pretty bangin’ chocolate chip pumpkin cookies from scratch.

8. What are you thankful for this year?

I feel like I went through quite a few stressful and heartbreaking tests this year, such as being unexpectedly evicted from my apartment due to renovations earlier in the year, and watching one of my cats lose his health over a period of 6 months and having to finally make the decision to put him down in August. Both those situations were ones where I just wanted to let my mental health tank, let the depression take over, and give up. So, I’m really thankful for my support system. For my family who offered support, for my friends offline who were always there to talk, come over and let me vent, or help me in whatever ways they could. I was also incredibly thankful for my tumblr family. The Negan fandom (and some lovelies in the Supernatural fandom) provided so much support to me that I will be forever thankful for. I had so many people message me about both situations, and I even received over $200 in ko-fi donations for my writing, to help out with moving expenses. I don’t have enough words to even express how much all the messages and asks and just the aura of support I received, both on here and offline, meant to me. Because of that support from those around me, I was able to keep myself from falling prey to my depression, was able to find a new apartment that I absolutely love, and was able to make it through the loss of Sebastian (and I now own a new kitten who has helped patch up both my grief and my other cat’s grief, and refill both our hearts with love). So, to everyone who sent me a message, sent donations, and/or just had me in your thoughts...thank you. I couldn��t have kept it together and made it through without y’all.

(Sorry, that got uber cheesy XD)

9. Do you decorate for Christmas? If so, do you have any theme?

Ha, no. The cats would destroy any decorations, so I don’t even make the effort.

10. Do you enjoy getting ready (i.e. hair, makeup, clothes)?

Eh, not like I used to when I was younger. I take maybe 15 minutes to throw myself together for work in the morning. It’s only a few select times a year when I’m either going home or to a friend’s house for a holiday (or the one time a year when I go out drinking for my birthday) when I enjoy putting on music and taking my time getting all made up and going all out with makeup and such.

11. Favorite store to shop in?

Probably Target. Or Kohl’s.

Now, for My Questions:

1. Do you have any pets? If so, what species, and what are their names?

2. Your favorite place that you’ve traveled to?

3. What are you currently reading?

4. One thing that you’re currently looking forward to?

5. Where do you hopefully see yourself in 5 years?

6. Your favorite flavor of ice cream?

7. What’s the best piece of advice that you’ve ever received?

8. Favorite brand/chain/type of coffee?

9. One thing you never leave home without?

10. Name 3 things (can be physical, emotional, etc.) that you love about yourself.

11. If you were to recommend one published book/series for me to read, what would it be?

I’m gonna just tag a bunch of people since I answered more than 11 questions: @i-am-negan-trash @hannibalssweaters @strangersangel9 @vizhi0n @mrs-squirrel-chester @kellyn1604 @seraphimkouenki @superprincesspea @megmeg-chan @noodlecupcakes @faith-in-dean @sweetsweetpeach @ryangoslingstanktop @negan--is--god @thegirl-fromthesky @hazel-nuss @backseat-negan @autumnescape @wickednerdery @bamby0304 @embracetheapocalypsewithme @wheresthekillswitch @rapsity @supernaturally-lucky @superwholoki

#personal #about me #questions

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tammyhybrid21 · 8 years ago

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Q&A

Fandom Questions

1. What was the first fandom you got involved in?

Sonic the Hedgehog

2. What is your latest fandom?

Bendy and the Ink Machine/Tattletail/Hello Neighbor

3. What is the best fandom you’ve ever been involved in?

Naruto, arguably.

4. Do you regret getting involved in any fandoms?

Sonic Fandom, just... Sonic Fandom. No matter what, I look back and cringe because it taught me so many bad habits and also... no pleasing anyone ever in that fandom...

Also the HP fandom, just so much scarring.

5. Which fandoms have your written fanfiction for?

Uh...

Sonic, FNAF(sort of), Naruto, KHR, SLENDER, Harry Potter, RWBY, Undertale, Warrior Cats, Pokemon, Rugrats, and Wreck-It Ralph(probably others, but this is the one’s I’ve posted stuff for)

6. List your OTP from each fandom you’ve been involved in.

Don’t have a Sonic one, N/A for FNAF, KakaObi, N/A for KHR, definitely none for SLENDER, Luna/Ginny, N/A for RWBY, Sansby, N/A for WC, Misty/Ash or maybe Rocketshipping, N/A for Rugrats, N/A for WIR.

7. List your NoTPs from each fandom you’ve been in.

Sonamy, The Murderer with anyone, ItaSasu(quiet no), N/A for KHR, Any of them, Voldemort/Harry, N/A for RWBY, Fontcest, most of them(so much incest), Trainer/Pokemon ships, ALL SHIPs(Rugrats, they’re toddlers nuff said!), Ralph/Venelope

8. How did you get involved in your latest fandom?

Youtube, I mean hey... I watch people...

9. What are the best things about your current fandom?

It’s new, a fandom just born... at least for Bendy, but also the Roleplay!

10. Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in? Undertale now, I mean I do have fic, but so leery about posting...

But for a more accurate one, One Piece, Smurfs, Dreamkeepers, InuYasha

Ship Questions for your Current Fandom

(Defaulted as my current main fandom: Naruto)

11. Who is your current OTP?

KakaObi

12. Who is your current OT3?

KakaObiRin

13. Any NoTPs?

ItaSasu, Naruto with either of his parents, any teacher/student ships, ObiRin(when it’s just them...)

14. Go on, who are your BroTPs?

ObiRin, NaruSasu, NejiLee

15. Is there an obscure ship which you love?

Yes! SakuOro(Sakumo/Orochimaru) and it’s all because of @blackkatmagic

16. Are their any popular ships in your fandom which you dislike?

SasuNaru, NaruHina, SasuSaku...

17. Who was your first OTP and are they still your favourite?

KakaObi, and yes, they are definitely still my favourite. I mean seriously, they became my first ever OTP and that love hasn’t died.

18. What ship have you written the most about?

None of them... I don’t really write about ships.

19. Is there a ship which you wished you could get behind, but you just don’t feel them?

....

Not really?

20. Any ships which you surprised yourself by liking?

Any and all of my rare pairs.

Author Questions

21. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote?

Oh jeeze, Um.

In the middle of a Legend

It’s pretty cringy to look back on... but hey, I’ve only improved.

22. Is there anything you regret writing?

...

Under the Rug maybe... but more seriously Collared... or rather I regret posting it because it’s vent and eh...

23. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it.

By Any Other Name!

I am so, so happy with this one. Because I just. This is where I found myself, and yes. I know, it’s a self-insert but hey. It’s got all the things I like, autism, issues, and some decent-ish world building.

24. What fic do you desperately need to rewrite or edit?

Oh boy, where do I even start... haha. No but seriously, all my fics need a proper editing, but as for rewrite... Probably scrap and start over on Art of the Insert since that’s ded.

Also the Nochi Temple arc of BAON, because that’s a mess.

25. What’s your most popular fanfic?

I... Have no idea. Maybe Soul Identity... idk...

26. How do you come up with your fanfic titles?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

27. What do you hate more: Coming up with titles or writing summaries?

Summaries definitely. I usually start with a title, and then need to come up with an idea to write for it.

28. If someone were to draw a piece of fanart for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of?

...

I don’t know... I mean I’m not a mind reader. But I would hope fanart for BAON, and maybe just some fluffy team pictures, or some fanart of the stuff that went down during the Nochi Temple arc.

29. Do you have a beta reader? Why/Why not?

Nope.

I don’t because I just... I don’t really know. I just don’t care that much I guess... also I can edit well enough on my own.

30. What inspires you to write?

EVERYTHING!

31. What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about your writing?

Uh... That my depiction of Autism was accurate!

32. Do you listen to music when you write or does music inspire you? If so, which band or genre of music does it for you?

Yes, I do, and various bits and pieces... I don’t know... anything and everything.

33. Do you write oneshots, multi-chapter fics or huuuuuge epics?

All of the above

34. What’s the word count on your longest fic?

Ninja Stealth Art, has 62,068 words, and considering that Death Rebirth Why Me is a counterpart fic of it with 15,975 that’s 78,043 words altogether.

35. Do you write drabbles? If so, what do you normally write them about?

Sometimes, IDK. Various things I guess.. I mean the Despair verse was drabbly.

36. What’s your favourite genre to write?

Fantasy, Family, Hurt-Comfort... Friendship...

37. First person or third person - what do you write in and why?

Third mostly, because it’s the one I’m most familiar with. Also more characters to play with in regards to perspective and thoughts.

38. Do you use established canon characters or do you create OCs?

Both

39. What is you greatest strength as a writer?

Emotions I’m pretty sure. I’m decent at conveying them.

40. What do you struggle the most with in your writing?

Grammar, but also dialogue because it always feels kind of eh.

Fanfiction Questions

41. List and link to 5 fanfics you are currently reading:

Life Goes On

Don’t Kiss And Tell

Bent out of Shape

Building Something New

A Collector's Guide to Caring for Your Pets

42. List and link to 5 fanfiction authors who are amazing:

Oh geeze, how do I pick. @blackkatmagic, @sparklecryptid, @aitmo, @warriorsredux, @emeraldbenu

43. Is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you?

Yes.

Definitely

Absolutely

@blackkatmagic and @sparklecryptid especially.

44. What ship do you feel needs more attention?

SakuOro, ALL THE RARE PAIRS!

45. What is your all time favourite fanfic?

...

Error, need time to process...

I... have no idea.

46. If someone was to read one of your fanfics, which fic would you recommend to them and why?

By Any Other Name, hands down. Why, because it’s the one I’m the proudest of... after that though... I would probably say It’s Too Late(We’re Building A Monster) because crossovers are fun.

47. Archive Of Our Own, Fanfiction.net or Tumblr - where do you prefer to post and why?

AO3 or FF, as for why... it’s because it’s where I’m most comfortable.

48. Do you leave reviews when you read fanfiction? Why/Why not?

About 50% of the time... as for why, well I don’t leave a review when I can’t find the words, or when there’s nothing more than the ever so horrible single word “UPDATE” in my head at the end... other times, I just don’t want to leave a nonsense flaily review because that person happens to be writing goals... I want to look cool and so... uh end up kind of being a jerk by not saying anything... which is bad... It’s improving tho.

49. Do you care if people comment/reblog your writing? Why/why not?

Yes! I care, because it can tell me what I’m doing right, or wrong. Also reblogs=exposure which is always GOOD!

50. How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction?

My cousin showed me an awesome fan comic, I went looking for the fan comic, didn’t find it but found fanfiction instead, and from there it’s history.

51. Rant or Gush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go!

I hate! Rapefic...

May sound a bit weird considering yes Collared is pretty much just that, but... Collared was vent and me being all bitchy and upset and at least there’s no magical healing sex or anything in the future of that, just a whole lot of issues and sads and... I hate rape the way it’s used in most fanfiction, and I get it, it’s a way some people deal with reality and the events that they’ve been through but dang. It could be used in other ways so that it’s not just there because it’s there... and so that it actually means something you know. It’s not just rape because rape... whihc is my biggest issue with it...

Also superflous sex and gratuitous scenes thrown in, the fact that the rape does nothing in regards to character relations and just... it bugs me because hell it’s not something you can just use as a plot device or placeholder for trauma... also on that note rape as backstory where it’s the entire backstory, hello cringe and I hope you done research because there are so many different ways people react from the obvious withdraw, shame and guilt to freaking deciding that’s all their good for, doing drugs and spiraling away into a mess...

Not to mention the message it sends, how intrinsically screwed up it is and just...

I hate this okay. It’s my biggest thing, just why. No, bleh... Unless you’re doing some research, or yes... it’s a coping method, in which case, well I don’t have to read it, you don’t have to say anything either...

also:

RAPE IS NOT A KINK!

I mean, it is... but that’s for adults who know what they’re doing who do sexual roleplay in the bedroom... still consenting and playing out a fantasy... not for... well how it’s used here.

Original questionare found here

#Fandom #Questionare #does this count as being tagged?#I don't even know #Bored #Long Post #About Me #THybrid Speaks #THybrid Writes #Ranting #Rape #THybrid Whines #Authors I like #Stories I regret

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eriisaam · 3 years ago

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I feel like I bottled up so much about my summoner OCs for a long time. Just recently, I had a “final straw to break the camel’s back” feeling, and I’m just... not sure anymore if I should feel I’m being fair about my feelings and anger or not. I feel like at the very least, this will help me clear some air to maybe move on and re-focus while recovering from other things, but I’m also really sorry to the people following me to dump this out of the blue too. You’ve all been incredibly patient and amazing with me, so whenever I get to the point I need to vent, I feel somewhat guilty of it.

But I’m also incredibly hurt and angry in ways I also don’t feel like I’m fully justified or not in them, for a lot of things well beyond the scope of what is currently setting me off... Maybe it’s best I unbottle it even if only for the sake of clearing the air.

And then after this, hopefully we can move back to regular light-hearted posts and shitpost art... I’m sorry.

For anyone whose seen me play Fire Emblem Heroes, or even played with me otherwise via friend codes, you know that I go by the handle “my butt” (as for why, Takumi is all too happy to share), and the summoner I send out is Eclair. He’s the only one of the OCs I felt was best able to be represented in-game out of the current summoners selection, so he’s been the one out of the six whose remained ever-present with his dumb little quote and eventually his dumb little gifts to go with. Nobody else in my friend group previously had a summoner named “Eclair” (not to be confused with Eclat), and it’s understandably not a very common name.

So it came as a surprise to me when one of the FEH friends I had for a very long time, recently changed their summoner (I believe from “Kiran” originally, and with the guy with the brushed-over brown hair) into this:

Any other day, this might’ve been funny, if in poor taste. Maybe I would’ve laughed at it and moved on if I was in a better frame of mind and just ignored it.

But lately, as many of you saw in my past few notes, or even privately, I hadn’t been doing well. I had a lot of frustrations online and off. I’ve been incredibly ill to the point of collapsing a lot, I have a backlog of attempts to work on writing and art that wound up crashing to a halt because of it, in ways that left me even more upset and manic, and pretty much for a long time now, I have felt like I was in constant hell that I tried very hard not to bring up often in public, even when I’ve reached my breaking point multiple times in rapid succession under various circumstances, and I was to a point that a single pin-drop would’ve made me go nuclear.

It wasn’t funny, I didn’t take it well, and I ended up removing them after debating long and hard if I was overreacting to do it or not. And even now, I’m not sure if it was as bad as I make it seem exactly because of how they couldn’t have picked a worse time to try to have a go at me through Eclair.

And the more I think about it, the more I feel bad that this had been the final straw to a lot of old feelings I’ve had stewing and trying and failing to clear in private, a lot of which were things I didn’t bring up that’s been upsetting me about my summoners for a long time, because I didn’t think ranting about it every single time in the moment was fair, and I feel guilty every time it’s come toit. But seeing this, having all those feelings drum up again, now I wonder if I bottled it up too long, to the point of it being on the opposite extreme and being incredibly unhealthy for me, too.

For a long time, I used the summoner OCs I made for various reasons. Some of them tested waters for like-ideas I wanted to try in some capacity on other works, but wasn’t sure about. (For those who read my other longfics, some of it are a little more obvious than others of the overlap.) Other times, and was one of the biggest pressing things about them, is that I use a lot of them as coping mechanisms. Some of them explored traumas I really did endure, albeit of course theirs might be more extreme, or the same in spirit, or represented or experienced things I myself am still processing. They’re also why I tend to work on them heavily in lulls when I couldn’t properly focus on stuff I otherwise wanted or needed to work on more, or as practice when I needed to figure out how to grasp things in plots or art otherwise, which is why they’re so prevalent on my works so often.

It’s also why I kept apologizing in realizing that they take over so much, but at the same time, working on them helped better frame things or prepare me for how to continue on other projects I was previously stuck on. They were important to me, and maybe, I got a bit too attached, but without them, I think my productivity and quality in it would be significantly worse if the summoner OCs hadn’t picked me up and carried me through how to figure things out better.

They’ve also, unfortunately, had been the subject of a lot of negativity I’ve sat through and stomached for a good part of the entire pandemic year, and even to this day in this year. I’ve made lore docs for them that got vandalized and littered with comments telling me to “try again” or how wrong I did or how wrong about my ships or shipkids are to come about as they had, to the point that I now deleted them because looking at even my private copy of it drums up the same negative memories and sends me into a panic of whether or not I’ll open it up and see it mass crossed out and littered with even more comments of how terrible and wrong it all is again. It was also partially why I lost heart working on old sketched concepts I initially planned to fully realize, only to drop what I have and post them to share, but would rather redo them (sketch and all) instead of work on them: They are littered with a lot of memories too painful to work on them directly.

I’ve had needlessly hostile messages, telling me off for certain ship combinations, or my OCs being misconstrued into horrible ways and based on their assumptions of what they think my OCs are like, assume the worse of them and me and harass me across multiple messages in my inbox over it. This had even boiled down to harassing me over my design choices of certain OCs, maybe not coincidentally my two female ones, or ones who are short and petite in build compared to their far more larger counterparts, despite every summoner and support all being adults. I’ve had people decide for me they knew the ages of my “minor” OCs better than I do. Despite me being the one who created them.

I’ve had people make not-as-vague-as-they-think-they’re-being comments, shitting on my ideas on the core concept, simply because they’re rooted to either a fandom that’s very subtle and low-key now, a game that seems popular-to-the-point-of-being-a-meme to shit on simply to shit on it and everyone who likes it, and had constantly been made to feel like various ideas other people are ok doing are bad when I do it, solely because I’m doing them.

They have been through a lot. I’ve been through a lot with them. They still exist because certain people I was very close with, among which Saam had been my rock and pillar through and through, refused to let me give in to the many, many times I found myself in such a dark place and in a really shitty mindset, that I would’ve stopped creating in totality, whether or not it’s related to kiransonas.

And even now, even when I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and move past that, there’s still little hints here and there of the damage that’s done that I still haven’t fully gotten over yet to try again. Or I’ve been trying in baby steps, and not in the best ways I wish I could yet.

I don’t draw Erin, Ephrel and Sparrow quite as often anymore, despite wanting to try them again. Ephrel’s and Sparrow’s circle in particular, I felt insecure trying to work on anything to do with them as often, especially if it’s related to Chrom that’s not just with him and Robin. I hesitated to do anything with Sparrow’s and Ephrel’s Robin either, despite having many ideas of what more to share of him. I stopped doing plushies, or being open about plushies anymore, due to still overcoming the feelings fostered from what I’ve been made to feel was bad about them and how I did them. Plush designs and sprite designs I wanted to do as open source were put on hold because I felt more closed off and hesitant to be too open in fandom spaces as much anymore. The Scars of Time, I’ve also hesitated to continue most of all out of my current longfics, because even when it’s been the fic that had the most progress in its latest chapter over the course of the pandemic shoving a wedge across all my longfics, the core elements to it were elements deeply rooted to a lot of the above ill feelings whether directly or by extension of what kiransonas already bore through themselves that hit similar beats. Were it not for incredibly kind commenters who still encouraged me and clearly hoped for other longfics to continue, there have been many, many times I was debating on deleting everything and giving up in totality, but held on because of all of them, and all of you, and people like Saam.

There’s a lot of things I still had to work through, and it shows.

So I see this dig at Eclair, and I’m torn anymore.

Maybe it was meant to be a harmless joke, and I still have second-guesses that I overreacted and jumped the gun to kick them out of my friend lists over something like this.

But as with how long and scattered my thoughts are in a post like this... It’s been a long time. It’s been a lot of really harsh, unfortunate, hurtful things leading up to this. I see this, and it’s like everything that I listed all came full circle all at once, and it painted all of this in a far worse light than it probably was, but unsurfaced a lot of things that, on top of being sick constantly and stressed out with other major fears, I think I finally cracked.

I don’t know what point I was trying to make of this, and I’m sorry too for all of you having to post this.

I’m just... tired and confused anymore of if this is fair or when I’m overstepping and overreacting anymore. Or where to go from here.

#Negative #A very VERY long negative #I'm sorry to all of you but I just really need to let this out #And I think I need some time to process and might dip on activity for at least today

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hopefulminty · 6 years ago

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So, this post exists due to the perfect storm of insomnia, randomly realizing that I had posted on here 99 times (and should therefore do something different for the 100th post), and several of the topics covered below coming up in real life.

In other words, here is an author interview with myself.

Yes, that’s right. I’m actually asking myself a bunch of questions, answering them/TMI-ing all over the place, and posting the results on here.

Insomnia really does make me do weird things...

Why are you called hopefulminty?

My username comes from two usernames that I’ve used in the past. The hopeful part’s been around since I was in middle school. Two of my friends and I decided to dress up as hippies for Halloween one year. We called ourselves Faith, Charity, and Hope. I started using variations of the word ‘hope’ for various sites after that. The minty part started when I was in high school. I wasn’t feeling the name ‘hope’ one day, so I looked around the room until my eyes landed on a pack of gum. I said the word ‘minty’ out loud and the rest is history. I will answer online to Hope, Minty, or now Hopefulminty. Any of those are fine.

Who are you?

I don’t like to give out specifics about myself that I feel could be used to identify me. That’s one of the things that was drilled into my head when I was young and actually stuck, so I don’t use my real name online, give my location, etc, etc. (Though I do share stories online that are kind of unique, but I don’t think they could be used to identify me unless you happen to live in this area/know people I know.)

Basically, I’m female, American (east coast, that’s as specific as I’m going to be), somewhere on the ace/demi spectrum, and old enough that I think I’m pretty much a senior citizen in the DEH fandom.

Old enough that when I saw Alex Boniello’s tweet about having shirts that are older than Andrew Feldman, I very quickly thought about my wardrobe, did the math, and laughed because I have at least two t-shirts that I’ve had since I was in elementary school that actually are older than the child who is going to be playing Evan next.

Does that weird you out?

A little bit, but not really. It would if I actually pictured any of the actors while I’m writing. When I do visualize the characters, I picture the versions that solely exist in my head now and don’t particularly resemble anyone who has played the parts.

I will say that I hope for his sake that he’s more emotionally/mentally mature than I was at sixteen. I know there’s no way I could’ve handled being the lead in a popular Broadway show, even if I’d had the talent to pull it off.

Actually, I don’t think I could handle that now. I’d hate the attention and would probably crumble under the pressure.

Is it weird being an older fan?

Again, kind of, but not really. I’ve been in and out of different fandoms since I was old enough to know that they existed. (Eleven, I think?) There’ve been times when I’ve been really active, times when I’ve been a lurker, times when I’ve been on the outskirts and only occasionally popped into something. (Kind of like I am now with DEH, I think.)

I was pretty active in various Harry Potter RPGs when I was in high school. There were players of all different ages in those. The youngest ones were teens, like myself. The oldest players were in their 60s. I thought that was kind of awesome at the time and actually still do.

Should younger fans be wary of older fans?

This is one of the topics that have come up in my real life recently. My sister-in-law found out that my nephew’s on some kind of gaming board and has online friends who are significantly older than him.

I told her that from my experience I’d say it’s not someone’s age you have to be worried about, not if that’s literally the only thing making you pause. It’s not that people hit a certain age and automatically turn into creepers who should be pushed out of fandoms and not allowed to interact with younger fans at all.

Growing up, all my real life friends were super into various fandoms. We were always dragging each other to things and driving each other crazy by going on about our latest obsessions.

A lot of them have given up that part of their lives now. In some cases, they’ve moved on because they’ve had to, because things like work and school and ensuring that their basic needs are met are more important than writing fan fic and venting about annoying plot holes. In other cases, they’ve stopped because they feel like they should stop, because they feel like they’re too old for things they now see as childish.

Do they have a point? Possibly. I don’t really care enough to worry about that though.

I’d say as a general recommendation to fans of all ages, just be smart and safe and trust your instincts. Avoid people and situations that make you uncomfortable and report ones you think might be dangerous.

How long have you been writing?

Pretty much since I learned how to write. I’ve always liked making up stories. My dad loves to tell the story of how he realized that I have a vivid imagination. He says I was about three or four years old and had spent the entire day scouring the house for toys. I’m the Surprise Kid in my family (meaning that my siblings are all older and were totally out of the house by the time I was five), so there were a lot of random toys around when I was growing up.

After hearing me drag things down to the basement all day, my dad finally decided he should go see what I was up to. He went down there and (according to him) there were hundreds of dolls, stuffed animals, and action figures all over the place, arranged in what he could instantly tell was some kind of complicated pattern. He asked me what I was doing and I then proceeded to spend the next ninety minutes (again, according to him, so probably an exaggeration) telling him all about the crazy complicated world I’d created where each toy had a name, a family, and multiple friends/rivals.

When my mom got home that night, he told her they had to be careful because they were raising a creative child.

How long have you been writing fan fic?

Since middle school. The first fic I can remember writing was for the show JAG (another side effect of being the Surprise Kid, you spend a lot of time watching tv with your parents). It was terrible and I didn’t post it anywhere. (It was actually purposely terrible because I was annoyed about having to watch that show all the time.)

The first fics that I posted were about Harry Potter. I also posted a couple Buffy stories when I was in high school.

I haven’t posted a lot of stories because I have a really bad habit of abandoning things that I’m working on. So, I only post something if it’s done or I’m reasonably certain that I’m going to see it through until the end.

Where can your old stories be found?

Nowhere.

Nowhere online, that is. They’re possibly still on my old computer that’s now in my parents’ basement.

I took down everything I’d posted when I was a teenager years ago. I reached a point where I hated knowing that the stories were out there and made them disappear.

Though, actually, there may be an X-Files story out there somewhere that I co-wrote with my best friend when we were fourteen.

But probably not because I think she did a similar purge when we finished high school.

Which Hogwarts House are you in?

I’m a Huffleclaw/Ravenpuff. At eleven, I would’ve been sorted into Ravenclaw. Nowadays, I feel like I’m a combination of the two.

Which Harry Potter do you relate to the most?

Luna. Definitely Luna. Though, my best friend says I’m a really weird combination of Luna and Hermione.

How did you realize you’re asexual?

This is another topic that came up in real life recently because my friend’s cousin thinks she might be ace.

It’s also something I’ve talked about a lot because it’s pretty much the only high school story I have that I think could be a subplot in a YA movie/book. The character based on me would be the baby ace who was sort of mentored by the lead lesbian couple for a couple weeks.

I started feeling like I was different from my friends when I was in fourth grade. I didn’t get it at all when they started going on about having crushes and wanting boyfriends. Everyone told me that would change as I got older, but it never did.

By middle school, people started telling me that I must be gay since I didn’t have any interest in boys. Part of me could see their point, but I didn’t have any interest in girls either and, as far as I could tell, that was a pretty significant part of being gay.

In eighth grade, I went to the mall with two of my friends and we ended up sitting in the food court and people-watching. My one friend elbowed me, pointed to a boy our age, and asked if I thought he was cute. My response (which has become friend group legend, so this is exact) was, “Well, he doesn’t have any visible warts, so maybe?”

My other friend (who was proudly bisexual) then pointed to a girl sitting across from us and asked the same question. I stared at her for a minute before saying that I wondered what conditioner she used because her hair was so shiny.

My friends shook their heads at me and asked if that was really all I was thinking. They touched my arms and assured me they’d still love me if I was gay.

Which was nice to hear and part of me wished that I thought I was gay because then I’d be something. The problem was that I really didn’t get how people developed crushes on other people. I didn’t get the idea of looking at someone and thinking they were attractive. I didn’t get the idea of wanting to be physical with another person. None of those things made sense to me at all.

The following year, I started going to a really conservative Christian high school. I mean, really conservative. Almost every teacher I had there mentioned at least once that we were doing God’s work when we voted for Republicans.

(In case you’re wondering, no, I wasn’t sent there as a form of punishment. The story of how I ended up there is really long/boring. Just know that my family doesn’t believe the majority of the things I was taught there.)

So, a few things about me:

1. I’m a really socially/generally anxious, awkward, introverted person. I never shut up around my family and friends, but put me in a room of strangers and I freeze. This was especially true when I was a teenager. (I can almost appear to be “normal” now...)

2. I’ve had the same basic friend group since elementary school, but none of them went to high school with me. So, I spent four years as an outsider. The tv episode I relate to the most is the episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory was called into the guidance counselor’s office because she liked to eat lunch by herself. That was me. Multiple times. Many, many times. They finally gave up when my mom told them that I had friends outside of school and that I come from a large, close-knit family (I have over 30 cousins, for starters) and I liked spending my lunches alone because they gave me a chance to recharge my internal battery.

3. I’m pretty much the most non-confrontational person you’ll ever meet. I hate arguing with people and I hate being put on the spot, especially when I feel like I don’t have any allies. I’m so non-confrontational that I wouldn’t correct people when they mispronounced my name when I was a teenager. Which happened a lot because I have a pretty unique real name. I’m slightly better about that now. These days, I’ll correct someone once and then let it slide if they keep saying my name wrong. Unless I know they’re going to become a regular part of my life, then I go through the whole ‘let’s say it together’ thing until they get it right.

4. I’m also the most “quietly stubborn” person you’ll ever meet. Pretty much everyone I know has called me that at least once. If I’m talking to someone about something that matters to me and I’m convinced I’m right, I will not back down no matter what. Which is the exact opposite of how I am 99% of the time. Usually, I’ll at the very least acknowledge that the other person has a point and try to change subjects.

So, the point of all that is to show how it was a pretty big deal when I started speaking up in school about things I didn’t agree with. I spoke up when a teacher told the class that women were put on the earth to serve men. I spoke up when another teacher told us that Jewish people go to hell. And I spoke up when a teacher told us that it is impossible for gay people to go to heaven, but it is possible for serial killers to get in.

(The logic for that one being that gay people will never repent because they don’t think what they’re doing is wrong, but it’s possible for serial killers to eventually become remorseful and repent their sins.)

My fairly passionate, but extremely awkward, defense of gay people led my classmates to decide that I must be gay. Which soon meant that the entire school thought I must be gay.

This happened a few weeks before the end of my junior year. Up until that point, I’d managed to fly under the radar for the most part. People who were considered “different” really stood out at my school. Everyone knew who the seven Jewish kids were. Everyone knew which kids liked reading/watching fantasy books/movies because the teachers always cautioned them that things like Harry Potter could lead you astray. (I was in that group, but I was quiet about it. The worst thing that happened to me was that my Spanish teacher said she’d pray for me when she saw I was reading one of the Anita Blake books.)

And everyone knew the lesbian couple. Because there was only one. Because there were only two students in the entire school who were publicly out.

Even I knew who they were, which was semi-surprising because they were seniors and I spent most of my time outside class with my head down, my earbuds in, and my nose stuck in a book.

So, anyway, it didn’t take long for everyone to decide that I was our school’s third lesbian. People started coming up to me and saying they’d pray for me. The first time that happened, I blinked and, without thinking about it, told the girl I’d pray for her too. That seemed to annoy her, so that became my go-to response whenever someone approached me.

At the end of the day, a girl who was considered one of the school’s spiritual leaders asked me if I was sure I was gay because I seemed so nice. I started to say that I wasn’t, but stopped myself when the girl’s friend laughed and said that even I knew how shameful it was to be gay, that I’d just argued with the teacher because I wanted attention.

Which caused a dilemma for me. My sixteen-year-old, panicked, stressed out brain could only see two possible options. I could either pretend to be something that I was fairly certain I wasn’t or I could let those girls go around telling everyone that I, the great defender of gays, knew deep down that being gay was wrong.

So, I stammered that I hadn’t understood their question at first and that yeah, I really was gay.

I spent the next few days avoiding people as much as possible. I started waiting inside for my mom to pick me up at the end of the day instead of going outside with everyone else. On my third day of doing that, the lesbian couple approached me and asked if I knew who they were. I said I did and they said they’d heard I was having a rough week.

They then asked me a series of questions. Some subtle, some direct. At the end of their interrogation, they exchanged a look and one of them said, “Oh, so you’re asexual then.”

Which is how I learned that asexuality is a thing. I went home and read up on it and was surprised to realize that there actually was a name for what I was. It was really exciting.

Sorry to disappoint, but the lesbians didn’t become my new best friends after that. They only had two more weeks of school at that point and we weren’t in any of the same classes. We didn’t even have the same lunch period. They always made it a point to say hi to me in the hall though and I think I’m still Facebook friends with them.

One day, about a week after they approached me, one of them came running up to me between classes to tell me that her girlfriend had done something stupid.

Her girlfriend had told a guy who was being obnoxious that they had pulled me into their relationship and we were having all kinds of threesomes.

I didn’t know what to say to that. I think I turned a million shades of red and stuttered uncontrollably for a minute or two. I finally told her that I was okay with that. I said they could say whatever they wanted as long as they didn’t actually expect me to do any of the things they claimed I was doing.

That comment made her grin and say, “Spoken like a true asexual.”

Do you think asexual writers should be allowed to write about characters who aren’t asexual?

This is another question that came up recently. My least favorite brother-in-law loves to say he’s playing devil’s advocate before asking people really annoying/terrible questions. He asked me this one at Thanksgiving this year.

My response was simply that it’s stupid to try to tell people they can only write about characters like themselves. That doing that would make the entire fantasy genre go away and, hopefully, there wouldn’t be any novels about murderers.

Writers like to make up stories and develop characters and relationships. They try to put themselves in their character’s heads and express how they’re feeling.

For me, that sometimes means drawing from my own experiences, sometimes it means thinking about things I’ve seen/heard, and sometimes it means using my imagination to come up with a character’s reaction.

Am I successful at portraying romantic relationships? I really have no idea. I walked away when he asked me that because I’m the absolute worst judge of my own stories. I have a like/hate (never love/hate) relationship with everything I write. I’ll just say that I don’t think being on the ace spectrum should stop me from writing the stories I want to write.

How did you get into DEH?

Another side effect of being the Surprise Kid is that it gives your parents a lot of opportunities to teach you about their interests. My dad managed to get me into British tv shows and my mom successfully managed to pass her love of musicals onto me, though, for her, that love does not extend to DEH. She can’t stand the music from that show.

I got into it when I decided to watch clips from the Tonys on YouTube. I was blown away by ‘Waving Through a Window’ because that song seriously would’ve been my personal theme song if it had come out when I was in high school. So, naturally, I had to find out more about the show.

I haven’t seen it live, but I have read the script and watched a bootleg. That got me into it enough that I started coming up with stories I wanted to write.

Which character do you relate to the most?

Evan, definitely. I was definitely the awkward, anxious kid in high school. I don’t think I would’ve ended up in the mess he did though...

Do you relate to any of your OCs?

Aunt Jamie is sort of like me, but I wouldn’t say she’s an author insert. I’m the youngest aunt in my family. (I don’t think any of my nieces/nephews think I’m particularly cool though.) I don’t like to be touched/hugged and usually pat people on the arm as a way of saying ‘hey I like you, you’re okay.’

The story about her suicide attempt in Sincerely, E is definitely not my story. I’m lucky enough to be able to say that I’ve never actually tried to kill myself.

Her story about being unpopular/having people make fun of her weight was sort of an exaggeration of mine. Again, I was lucky enough not to have it nearly as bad as she did.

What do you like about Evan/Connor?

I like putting them together because they’re both characters who desperately need someone who understands them. They’re alike in a lot of ways, but different in ways that make them fun to write. I like their relationship dynamic and the ways I make them interact.

Why do you keep writing Zoe/Jared?

I’ve come to see Zoe/Jared as my bastard ship. They’re the ship that I never plan to write, but somehow keep writing.

With Evan and Connor, I always think about how they’re going to get together this time, which tropes I plan to include, etc., etc.

With Zoe and Jared, I literally reach a point in the story where I blink at the screen and go ‘okay, so this is happening again...’

That said, I have come to like my bastard ship. They’re also fun to write.

Are they going to get together in BNK?

I don’t have any current plans to put them together. Which means probably.

Do you hate Zoe/Alana?

Not at all. I have no problem with the idea of them. I have no problem with giving Zoe a girlfriend or Jared a boyfriend. I also have no problem with letting characters stay single (which, to me, is a much more realistic portrayal of the high school experience).

Part of the problem with doing my weird blinders on, tunnel vision writing thing is that I haven’t really read other DEH stories. I didn’t realize Zoe/Alana was a thing until I started looking at summaries of other fics after I finished Sincerely, E.

I’ve briefly considered putting them together each time I start a new story, but now there’s the Tracy situation. And I do like Alana/Tracy. And somehow Zoe/Jared sneaks up on me every time.

So, you really don’t read other DEH stories?

I’ve tried to a couple times. I’ve even downloaded some of the completed ones to my Kindle in case I ever feel the need to read them when I’m out somewhere.

It just becomes a case of character overload for me if I try to read other people’s interpretations of the characters while I’m writing mine.

This particular writing quirk of mine actually used to cause problems for me with my RL friends when I wasn’t the only one writing fics. They’d get mad at me when I’d say I couldn’t read their stories because they were writing for the same fandom that I was writing for.

They’d also get mad when I’d say I hadn’t read their comments. The comment thing is another writing quirk of mine. I try to avoid them until I’m totally finished with a story or, at the very least, close enough to being finished that the thought of looking at the comments doesn’t weird me out.

I’m not always totally successful at that because I also have a weird thing about notifications. Meaning that I can’t stand them. So, if I see there’s a comment, I’ll literally hold my hand up to try to block the screen while I mark it as read. Which doesn’t always work as well as I’d like.

I did try once again to read the comments before starting BNK. I think I even said in the author’s note at the beginning of the story that I’d been binge-reading them. Which ended up meaning that I sort of clicked through my inbox and read about five random comments... Someday, I really will look at them all...

All of that doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate comments/kudos though. It’s always amazing to see that people are reading and reacting to the things I write. I do check the stats page to see if the numbers are going up. If it ever became clear to me that absolutely no one was reading my stories anymore, then I’d stop posting them because I’d feel really awkward and wonder what’s the point of posting something that no one’s even bothering to open.

Are you going to keep writing DEH stories when you finish BNK?

Maybe? I don’t know at this point. I’m not even sure how much longer BNK will be. Judging from the length of my other stories, I’m probably around the halfway point and that currently sounds about right, given what I have planned.

I’ll keep writing about these characters as long as I have ideas for them and am having fun writing the stories. If I run out of ideas or writing these fics stops being fun and starts being a source of stress in my life, then I’ll stop.

Do you have any writing suggestions? How do you deal with writer’s block?

The best writing advice I can give is just to write. Write and then keep writing and then don’t stop writing.

I’ve often described myself over the years as a writer who doesn’t write. And that’s been the case many times for me.

I’ve been writing a ton this past year because the DEH characters have stuck with me and I keep coming up with weird ideas for them. Before that though, I’d gone at least a year without writing much of anything.

I write because I like writing and because it’s a major stress/anxiety reliever for me. I write because it entertains me and gives me something to focus on when I can’t sleep, which is pretty much every night. I often say that I feel like I get more done between 12 AM and 2 AM than some people do all day.

That said, I definitely struggle with writer’s block sometimes. The only thing that ever helps me with that is to walk away. Literally. I close my laptop and walk away from it. I make myself do something else. And then I keep making myself do other things until I’m either ready for bed or a solution to the problem I was struggling with pops into my head.

Almost every story-related idea that I’ve had has occurred to me while I’m doing something totally unrelated to my writing. While I’m not even thinking about it.

It’s really fun when that happens at work. I’ve had times where I’m on the phone, using my cheery customer service voice and being yelled at, and have suddenly come up with what I want Connor to say in the conversation that I was struggling with the night before. At least, I haven’t blurted out any random bits of dialogue yet...

Last question, since no online survey would be complete without this – dogs or cats?

Guinea pigs. Though, personality-wise, I really would be such a crazy cat lady if I weren’t horribly allergic to them.

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bigskydreaming · 5 years ago

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I mean, here’s the thing....

I’m more than capable of writing positive Batfam posts, meta deep dives that don’t dwell overlong on negativity, serious content, light hearted content, content about each and every one of the Batfam....anyone familiar with just a few different samples of my posts knows I do not lack for topics to happily ramble on about for absurd lengths. Hell, I’m pretty sure there’s a direct correlation where like, the less negative emotions I have about the content I’m writing, the LONGER it ends up being.

So its not like I particularly need or want to be the ‘loud angry scary adult cis white man yelling at kids’ to have something to say or talk about. Or that I particularly like that state of mind. I’m certainly not unaware of my privileges or that I can be off-putting or not someone everyone wants to be around on here. Its actually something I put a lot of thought into regularly, as personal accountability is such a big deal to me, and that certainly includes my own. There are times where I’ve looked back on something and thought yeah, I definitely could’ve dialed it down there.

But not gonna lie, given that personal accountability is kinda My Theme and I DO put a lot of time and effort into being self-aware and taking care not to cross certain lines, whether you believe me or not or agree with where I draw my lines or not....

Its more than a little obnoxious to regularly see my positive posts and my emotion-neutral meta posts and even my negative critical of canon posts take off and get hundreds of notes in just a couple of days....

But without fail, any time I so much as suggest that fandom’s perpetuating some of the very same toxic tendencies I criticize canon for, with the extension of that thought being hey fandom, unlike canon and how its written, we actually can do something about how we write these very same matters and slowly but surely normalize reader resistance to canon still perpetuating those ideas in the future, and maybe someday even they might buy a vowel and realize hey, our audience does not like what we’re selling here.

*Shrugs* Or maybe not. But even SOME changes to how specific problematic tropes and dynamics are being written in fandom currently could still only be an improvement, is all I’m saying.

Except, every time, without fail, no matter HOW I go about saying it, how polite, mild, civil, non-accusatory....its either crickets or immediate heels dug into the sand as often the very same people who commented on my neutral meta with variations of ‘this is pretty insightful’, like at the mere SUGGESTION its worth taking a more critical look at their own content to see what they might unknowingly be perpetuating and like....the very idea of asking fic writers to be more accountable for what toxic tendencies we perpetuate within our own creative works, even just among our own far more limited platforms....

Its like... HOLD UP! I AM BEING ATTACKED! WITHOUT CAUSE! WHY DO YOU HATE THE FANS? WHY AREN’T YOU SAYING ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT THE ACTUAL COMICS???

And its just like....uh....I did. I do. You were there. You were saying I was making some really good points. But without calling any individuals out or making specific insinuations or personal attacks....I am suddenly just the most unreasonable of the unreasonables, because I dared say “hey, we can’t do anything about what canon writes, but we can do something about the things we write, and actually transform some of the more problematic tendencies and dynamics from canon into things that benefit all the characters and all the fans.”

But nah. Without exception, those posts either get nada or they get vitriol, no matter my own linguistic volume....and meanwhile, posts I made just before them and just after them are now hitting the thousand notes mark. So I kinda can’t help but wonder, is the problem really that I magically lose all ability to grasp supremely basic concepts and start spewing irrelevant gibberish anytime I’m critical of fandom specifically? Or.....just spitballing here....is it at ALL possible that maybe I’m not as much of the problem there as you want to make me about to be?

Like, say what you will about how toxic my more negative, angry posts can be, but personally, I think artificial positivity is just as toxic....plastering a ‘I see nothing wrong here’ sign with a smiley face over a bunch of mold doesn’t actually accomplish anything but allow that mold to fester and grow even further, without notice, until it becomes too widespread to ignore anymore at which point its usually rooted so deep its impossible to get out.

So yeah. I get angry, the all caps come out, and the volume level of my posts on those subjects rises. Its something I’m aware of and something I’m okay with and stand by with certain posts and that I decide I’m not okay with and keep an eye against repeating with certain other posts. Its a process, it doesn’t have an endpoint or finish line, and I’m okay with all of that.

What I’m NOT okay with though, and never will be, is the heat I draw for that and the condemnations and criticisms of my behavior and how toxic and unpleasant I make fandom with those posts....as though the tendencies I’m pointing out in them, by virtue of already being present throughout fandom, don’t already make it toxic and unpleasant in a lot of ways, for a lot of people.

But for all the times I have someone respond to me or call me out specifically for one of my angry posts that very deliberately are made with no specific individuals in mind, just generic references to fandom wide tendencies as a whole....there’s a whole lot of ‘helpful advice’ for all the things I should do different or better to avoid making fandom a more toxic place.....and not a hint of awareness that there’s anything at all they could be doing differently to make fandom less toxic than it already is in various ways.

So just saying, I’m kiiiiiinda not super keen on being lectured for my shit by people who are committed to the belief that their own shit doesn’t stink....WHILE AT THE SAME TIME, I have a good half a dozen positive or neutral meta posts still making the rounds through fandom and consistently picking up notes that according to the tags, generally seem to be viewed as adding positively to fandom in their own respective fashions.

Which basically from my perspective, makes things look like this:

Me: regularly contributes positive content that’s received positively by lots of different parts of fandom, not just the Dick Grayson stan corner of it, with zero negativity attached to these posts....regularly contributes meta content that’s deemed insightful and adding fresh viewpoints by lots of different parts of fandom, not just the Dick Grayson stan corner of it, again, with zero negativity attached because it doesn’t rely on putting down any other characters to make whatever points I’m after.....

....but then contributes posts that are critical of certain specific characterizations and viewpoints within fandom itself, without actually having a twelve step powerpoint presentation attached detailing ALL FANS MUST DO THIS INSTEAD....and instead I usually just include a spectrum of possible alternative takes.....

But wait! Nooooow comes the pushback. Which usually sounds like various forms of this:

Stop trying to police us! La la la la can’t hear you over the sound of your moral superiority complex! You just want us to do exactly what you want us to do which is gaslighting and the very same abusive behavior you talk about which makes you abusive!

And also, a bunch of changing the subject or avoiding addressing various points I raise completely.

Maybe you see my issue? I don’t need tips on how to be a positive fandom presence, I actually don’t have any trouble creating positive content or meta, a large amount of which is deemed insightful and humorous and otherwise well received....but the second I make a criticism of fandom and suggest there’s things fans could be doing differently to address the toxicity existing around various characters in various respects, instead of just keeping everything about DC’s flaws which none of us including me have any kind of platform to even reach DC with......

Suddenly I have ZERO idea what I’m talking about, I clearly don’t get the point of fandom, period, I’m obsessed with my own moral righteousness, and am like, so out of the ballpark misguided its not even funny, and I need all of this explained to me like a five year old, because everyone obviously should get that ‘we’re just fans, why are you blaming us for things we write specifically instead of DC who are getting paid as if that’s even the point?’

So yup. I get ticked off, I make more posts venting about being ticked off, rinse and repeat and my volume goes up.

And that’s it by the way.

You’ll notice, that’s kinda the worst that ever happens, because I literally have never done anything but....type posts with lots of capitalized letters. I don’t target specific individuals, I don’t harass people, I don’t @ specific fics or fic writers or urge people to flood their comments or ask boxes with callouts. I’ve never called anyone in this fandom names or made personal attacks other than the posts various people have felt targeted by because my description of specific tropes or tendencies I have a problem with apparently made them think I was talking about them I guess? Hmm. Weird.

So what’s the point of this post? Idk. Nothing really. Not trying to accomplish anything, just putting my thoughts out there as a way to work through them because like....that’s literally what I have this blog for, lmao. And FYI, I super don’t appreciate the tactic of condemning me for my quote unquote rage issues and framing all this as me yelling at kids on the internet....kids, specifically, and oh right, just screaming at people rather than addressing my own abusive behavior.

Since abuse is a hugely personal and important topic to me, let me just say accusing me of abusing generic fandom in general (since again, I haven’t actually made any of this personal about any individual with my fandom criticisms)....like, I’m quite willing to consider and address flaws in my own behavior when raised, but I’m not a fan of being called abusive in a context that demonstrates a complete lack of awareness as to what abuse actually is.

You don’t like me yelling on my blog? Fine, you don’t have to like it, or me. But abuse is the exploitation of a power differential, taking advantage of power one person has over the other, or that the other person just doesn’t have period. The fact that I am an adult cis white man does not make me aggressively capitalizing stuff in my own posts the same as “the same triggering position of the cisgender man who screams and makes kids feel scared and wince and hide from your posts.”

Like, lol, nice. Classy. I mean who cares right, that yeah, even acknowledging that we can legitimately sense tones and moods through even written text.....a person ranting on their internet blog is not remotely interchangeable with the physical presence of an adult cis white man loudly screaming in your face and with the potential for immediate consequences and harm. Does that mean the tone of my posts is above criticism? No. It means exactly what I said. The one is not the same as the other.

Secondly, the repeated insistence on me yelling at kids...and this person I’m quoting isn’t the only one who’s done this, FYI, and its crap. Am I unaware that there are a lot of minors in fandom? No, I absolutely am not. Its why I make a point to check the blog of someone I’m replying to heatedly before I respond, to make sure they’re not a minor, and if they are, I don’t engage. So that I can categorically state, with complete certainty, I have never yelled at a kid in this fandom. Do my generic yells about ‘fandom’ not include kids then? Yeah, you could say kids are included there, though again I’d have to question why my criticisms of specific handlings of specific subjects somehow equates to me yelling at specific individuals, whom apparently are all kids and only kids. Like, framing my posts as being all about me screaming at kids specifically is a deliberate choice with a clear aim of making me look as bad as possible. This isn’t subtle.

Third, as an abuse survivor I’m keenly aware that doesn’t exempt me from being abusive myself, but it does mean I find it really fucking gross to be labeled abusive because my posts make kids feel scared and wince and want to hide from my posts. As someone who as a kid absolutely had to hide from their abuser in fear, I really, dearly would love to know what exactly it is about the capitalized sentences written by a man who couldn’t even pick a stranger’s URL out of a lineup, that’s so scary that kids, specifically, want to run and hide from the big bad posts. No, seriously. Go on. Please tell me what exactly it is about my screaming rage issues as conveyed by my posts, which pose any kind of threat or even the potential of threat for someone who I’ve never interacted with and only feels personally attacked by my posts by virtue of associating themselves with the behaviors or tendencies I’ve centered in those posts as the things I’m specifically angry about.

I also apparently am abusive because that’s what you call it when I gaslight or attempt to gaslight a fandom....which is apparently what you call it when my fandom policing tries to get everyone to do exactly what I want them to do. Which again is pretty interesting to me given that I’ve literally never told even generic ‘fandom’ at large to do anything in specific other than....’hey this thing I think is shitty and thus am criticizing shouldn’t be a thing, stop doing it.” Oh wait, I’m sorry, I also ask people to consider their creative impact and not insist on pretending everything we write exists in a vacuum and has no potential to carry harm, and just keep this in mind when making our creative choices. Still not sure how that’s demanding everyone do things exactly the way I want them, since the only clear and actionable request or demand in all of that is...omg....HE ASKED THAT WE THINK ABOUT THE STUFF WE WRITE, HOW COULD HE???

Like, literally, that’s the furthest any of my angry, rage-borne DEMANDS have gone: I’ve asked people apply more personal accountability to their own creative works and not take their potential impact for granted just because they’re a fic writer rather than a published one....and oh yeah, not engage in perpetuating certain tropes or dynamics I consider toxic.

Now, anyone is certainly welcome to disagree with my take on any or all of those tropes, tendencies or dynamics being toxic....but to do so, like, you need to actually DISAGREE AND MAYBE EVEN TELL ME WHY. But the overall refusal to engage with any of my posts criticizing certain fandom tendencies regarding the characters, other than to make it about my overall toxicity and RAGE.....like, that means that I keep making posts that include specific examples for what I’m describing and why I think they’re toxic, and nobody’s actually made any kind of case for me being wrong in any of those posts? So.....its not actually gaslighting to try and convince people these things I bring up are toxic....when I’m actually including reasons and examples of the things I’m talking about in order to convince people, and I’m not actually ignoring, evading or misconstruing counter-arguments....because nobody’s actually making counter arguments in the first place!! That’s not fucking gaslighting, that’s called EXPRESSING MY VIEWPOINT ON A MATTER.

And for the record, like I said earlier, abuse is the perversion or exploitation of a power differential. Try all you want, but you can’t claim I have power over myriad specific individuals I don’t even know EXIST without them interacting with me directly....power that I’m then exploiting just by yelling at stuff on my blog. Yes I’m aware of my overall privileges as a cis and white man. But none of those change a damn thing about the fact that I’m not actually yelling at anyone in specific and people reading my posts have to decide for THEMSELVES whether the thing I’m pissed about is a thing they do before they can even CLAIM to feel at all ‘targeted’ by my RAGE (with me still not being able to tell from that who any particular individual this might apply to is, and also, THATS NOT EVEN THE POINT OF ANY OF MY POSTS)....NOR do any of my privileges negate the fact that every single one of you exists in varying physical distances from me, unknown to me, and I have ZERO power to compel you to even read my posts in the first place, or to keep you from exiting your browser or app or even just going ahead and blocking me to be sure you’re ‘safe’ from the big bad abusive boogeyman and his posts of Gaslighting and Rage.

Me venting on my own damn blog, even knowing that other people can see what I post and share it if they want, is NOT the same thing as screaming in your face and making you want to wince and hide, no matter WHO you are. It just literally isn’t. Doesn’t mean you can’t have a problem with my posts or my tone, it just means what it says. Its not the same thing, they’re not interchangeable or even comparable, because NONE OF YOU ARE A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE. There are NO possible consequences to ignoring, disagreeing with or just scrolling past my posts, firstly because THERE’S ZERO WAY FOR ME TO EVEN KNOW THAT, IF I EVEN CARED. Nobody, kid or adult, can ever HIDE from my posts, because that would first require MY POSTS EVER BE ABLE TO FIND THEM. Whatever the hell THAT even means.

You’re not my prisoners. You don’t have to be here. You’re not even ACTUALLY HERE. Nobody owes me an audience, and honestly, the lack of one wouldn’t change all that much because I babble on all the time about shit none of my followers actually care about, because I post for ME first and foremost, and people from there are welcome to do whatever they want to do with my content, or do nothing with it at all. I literally don’t care, other than thinking its shitty that so many people find my content worthwhile except and until I get critical of fandom behaviors at which point they only engage with it to make it all about ME and MY toxicity instead of anything I actually posted about. Which I then...gasp...vent about. How dare I be angry in the space I cultivated for myself online and other people chose to look in on by their own choice because rather than being threatened or bullied into doing so, they found at least something I’d said interesting enough to be worth listening to hear what else I might say.

I HAVE ZERO POWER OVER ANY OF YOU. At most my posts hold some weight for the people who think I generally have interesting or insightful things to say, but that’s literally it, and that’s the result of me having said things they find interesting and insightful overall. I can’t MAKE anyone do anything, if I’d ever even tried to make anyone do anything other than actually LISTEN to what I ACTUALLY am saying on certain subjects and CONSIDER IT. So if we’re going to throw words like gaslighting around so carelessly, we might want to hold that one up next to the phrase ‘fandom policing’ I so often get accused of....as though I’m any kind of actual authority with actual power to actually enforce any actual agenda I even actually have.

Which brings me to the last thing I want to touch on, which is my supposed moral righteousness, that oozes all over everything I post and drowns out any good points I have to make, which again, apparently is just in terms of fandom criticisms, since every other point I’ve ever made in fandom seems to come through just fine.

Like.....tbh, I don’t really know what to do with the many times I’ve heard people say I’m self-righteous and obsessed with my own moral righteousness. Considering like...I’m not shy about acknowledging my flaws, I know perfectly well I can be loud and angry and aggressive in my posts and have talked plenty before about not being super proud of that, I’ve never claimed to be a saint and I don’t think my actions and choices are the gold standard everyone should adhere to. In fact, the only time I make a point to state what *I* do or did or what *I* think or believe....is when its directly relevant to something critical I’m saying.

And you think that’s because I want everyone to be aware of how moral and righteous I am? Fucking please, if I were as self-absorbed as you people make me out to be when giving me shit, I just wanna know when you think I’d have time to squeeze out 10K of random Batfam meta every other day, instead of being busy finding new things to say about myself.

Literally the only reason I make a point to bring up my own behavior or choices when criticizing others is because PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY IS THE CORE THEME OF LITERALLY EVERYTHING I SAY IN THIS REGARD.

And you know what personal accountability requires? A willingness to acknowledge and address your own behavior. Which is why its kinda hilarious the consensus seems to be I’m too up my own ass to even be aware of my own behavior or actions, given that the literal actual reason I bring up examples of what I did or think when making posts about personal accountability....is to stress that REGARDLESS of what those things were, I think its important to not just be talking out of my ass. But rather to emphasize I hold myself to the same expectations I’m asking other people to consider, I’m putting it out there and on the record, here’s what I did relevant to this matter I’m talking about and why I made that choice....see, I’m not asking anything of anyone else that I don’t expect to be held to myself. ITS NOT ABOUT TRYING TO IMPRESS PEOPLE WITH MY MORAL RIGHTEOUSNESS, ITS LITERALLY JUST ME TRYING TO ESTABLISH I’M NOT LOOKING TO BE A HYPOCRITE IN THIS REGARD, SPECIFICALLY.

Like, is maybe that unnecessary and counter-productive? Could be, its something for me to think about some more, but gotta tell you, its a little hard figuring out what will and won’t work when I’m STILL waiting on the first time someone actually engages me on an actual criticism I’m actually voicing about fandom.

*Shrugs* Whatever. Like I said, I don’t even know if this post has a point beyond just getting this all out of my head, so whatever. Make of it what you will. People will likely still just keep viewing me however they already do, for better or worse. Oh well. C’est la vie. Its not the end of the world anymore than any other post I make is, no matter how much RAGE I imbue it with. As I’ve always said, that’s literally the only reason for any of the posts I make ever...I’m just getting them out of my head and down on paper, so to speak, in whatever mood I’m feeling while thinking about that topic. Yeah, I phrase things for a generic fandom audience most of the time, other than when I’m talking to someone directly, but never have I made a post with an entitled and expectant belief that people will take every word I say literally and regard it as a directive for what they should do and how they should live their lives. Since, y’know, I don’t actually think I should be the ruler of everyone’s choices.

Over and over I keep repeating, I just want people to put more THOUGHT into their choices, and keep in mind various contexts that yeah, I think are relevant to certain topics, sue me. Because the vast majority of creative choices I take issue with, I actually fundamentally believe are just the result of a lack of thinking critically or with a broader awareness of various implications or repercussions. Shocking though this may seem, I’m actually a big believer that humans are inherently good or at least have the capacity to be.

The thing that amps up my frustration and ticks me off so often is how much time and effort I end up wasting trying to get people to address the actual things I’m asking them to consider, instead of dancing around it and evading it in every way possible, not even like, as an attempt to counter it, just willfully refusing to let it be about the topic I ACTUALLY raised.

And yeah, just FYI, to whom it may concern, since this is so often relevant it seems.....gotta say, I find it particularly odious that WITHOUT FAIL, the very same people who carelessly throw out ‘don’t like don’t read’ as the catch-all solution to every issue anyone ever might have with something in fandom, as though its that simple.....

Time after time demonstrate a COMPLETE refusal or inability to take their own damn advice, since NONE of this would ever even come up if the loudest advocates of that system actually APPLIED it themselves.

And simply....didn’t read my posts.

I fail to see why I’m expected to do what they don’t consider worth doing themselves, to spare themselves the aggravation (or fear) from reading my posts. Let alone interacting with them.

But whatevs. When do I ever know what I’m talking about anyway, lol, on account of all this RAGE I’ve got mucking with my head and objectivity.

Oh well, gotta go. KALEN SMASH!

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